Accompanying those who mourn the loss of family members doesn't mean taking over their pain and bearing it yourself. It means extending your hands and letting them know that they are not alone.

Grief originates from loss, and death is the ultimate loss. The form of death has everything to do with how well the bereaved family deals with the grief. Compared to deaths that were predicted and cushioned by intervening time, accidental death that comes as a complete shock is more difficult for the family of the deceased to accept and requires a longer time to adjust to.

The earthquake on September 21 shattered thousands of homes. Many families are facing the cruel trial of disintegration after losing one or more members. In both urban and rural areas, there are families that have lost two generations of members and some in which only one member remains. There are people who are still in shock or a state of numbness, and those who are extremely grief-stricken. Failing to deal with these problems may result in feelings of frustration and helplessness, loss of vitality and the will to live, alcoholism or physiological symptoms. Preventive measures must be taken immediately.

Counselors must be self-aware and demonstrate stability

Grief counseling requires experience, sensitivity and the ability to empathize with others. As a general rule, only three kinds of people can undertake this job--professionals, trained volunteers, and family members who have already recovered.

The trauma caused by the earthquake is collective. Whatever you say or do in counseling should not come from your own needs but from the needs of the other person. You must first know what your own reactions to the disaster are, because in keeping company with the bereaved, you must be aware of your own condition and limitations in order to maintain a balanced mind. Only when your mind is in a state of equilibrium can you demonstrate the steadiness and stability most needed by grieving family members. You should not babble on endlessly or change the subject because of your own uneasiness or anxiety. You must not impose on the other party your own opinions or values. You should be aware of your preconceptions or even your prejudices. In the course of counseling people, you must also have a lively heart that is creative and willing to learn and touch the hearts of others.

Being there and listening

In any disaster, survivors will have a strong sense of guilt. Most of them will blame themselves by thinking, "Why wasn't it me?" "If only I had…" Such a sense of guilt is very difficult to undo. It is as if the survivors feel responsible for the deaths of their family members.

In contrast to their inner sense of guilt, survivors often have a strong need to blame someone or something. Aside from causing fear and panic, unforeseen catastrophes also provoke resentment and indignation toward building constructors, unkind nature, the government, the media, and the weaknesses of human nature exposed in the aftermath of a crisis.

Through telling, reminiscing and sharing their experiences, the survivors can find an outlet for their grief. Even if remembering means evoking the sorrow and pain of losing loved ones, it is still essential to face the facts. Therefore, listening to survivors and keeping them company are the most basic forms of support.

When survivors strongly express their emotions, there is no need to stop them or give them advice or lecture them. Anyone who has experienced such a drastic change in life will suffer almost unbearable grief and resentment. It is very important for the listener to accept and respect their feelings and to give them the freedom to let them out.

Several ways of guidance:

Survivors of a major disaster have lost loved ones, property, perhaps an entire way of life. Thus there are several methods by which helpers may address their needs.

Bring them back to reality

In grief counseling, we can try to deal with guilt feelings by bringing survivors to a sense of reality:

"It happened so suddenly. You were scared or injured yourself. What could you have possibly done to save your family members?"

"If you had really gone back to save them, what would have been the consequences?"

"Thousands of people died. Should all their surviving family members be blamed for failing to save them?"

"If it were the fault of the survivors, what did they do wrong?"

Sometimes after reinforcing their sense of reality, survivors will finally admit that in such a catastrophe, everyone has his or her own fate. The survivors are not guilty, because they themselves are also victims.

Switching places

In counseling the survivors, the method of "switching places" can also be employed:

"If you were the one who died, would you blame your family?"

"If your family members in heaven saw you so sad and unable to forgive yourself, how would they feel?"

If the survivors can look at things from a different angle or see from the point of view of the deceased, they may be more objective and realize how they are indulging themselves in sorrow. Then they may be willing to free themselves of the heavy burden in their hearts for the sake of the deceased, and take good care of themselves without blaming themselves any longer.

As a counselor, when I have established a firm relationship with a counselee, I sometimes point out sincerely that the deceased have been freed but the survivors have not. How long will a survivor remain stranded in grief? And how long will he continue to punish or refuse to forgive himself?

Ritual Transfer

There are various ways to minimize the feeling of loss, the unwillingness to part with loved ones and the sense of guilt. Religious rituals, helping and giving to others, chanting sutras for the dead--all these are actions that enable the family of the deceased to commemorate the dead. Traditional customs such as folding paper money and lotus flowers and burning the clothes of the deceased are all practical ways of mourning. In performing such rituals together, friends and relatives of the deceased can accompany and support each other.

I have learned to look at death with a more easy and positive attitude. For instance, in the West, memorial services can often be joyful--the theme is often a celebration of someone's life. People sing and reminisce through laughter and tears. Such commemoration that focuses on the joyful moments of a person's life instead of the bitterness of parting with them is worth our consideration.

Use of Creativity

Use of one's creativity also has an important effect on healing grief. Expressions of creativity such as keeping a diary, music, literature, painting, handicrafts, dance or drama all have the effect of cleansing and purifying the soul. From Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl and The Poems of Chou Ta-kuang (a young boy who died of cancer) to the concerts held and sculptures created after the September 21 earthquake, we see examples of the instinctive human nature to sublimate personal suffering through artistic and cultural creation.

Relaxation Exercises

A body that was horribly crushed and deformed in an earthquake is an almost unbearable thing for surviving family members to see. For those who were present at the disaster scene, what they saw, heard, smelled and touched become indelible memories. Thus family members who identify the bodies, as well as the volunteer workers who accompany them and the firefighters, soldiers and policemen who participate in search-and-rescue work, often show signs of post-traumatic stress syndrome such as nightmares, flashbacks, physical discomfort, or even dissociation disorders. In the course of guidance, such symptoms can be alleviated through relaxation exercises and meditation.

Feeling as if the ground is shaking again is a natural reaction to stress after an earthquake. In leading relaxation exercises, I sometimes ask people to breathe deeply and quietly or to half squat down, which helps them to recall how it feels to stand with both feet firmly on the ground, regain their sense of balance and find again their center of gravity. Through these exercises, the body experiences relaxation and stability and remembers these feelings.

On the spiritual level, I ask them to meditate and to let out their built-up pressure and tension and any depressive emotions through a point on the sole of the foot. I also ask them to set their feet firmly on the ground and talk to the earth. They can tell the earth: "I love you and I'm sorry for the damage I have done to you--please forgive me." Such a disaster can disrupt the relationship of trust between human beings and the universe. Rebuilding that lost trust is also necessary. I always tell the people in my exercise groups, "Instead of living in constant fear and distrust, it is better to make efforts to mend the relationship between humans and nature."

Diversion

If survivors are trapped in a bitter sense of loss and are unable to free themselves, I invite them to try to turn their thoughts from dwelling on the pain and unfairness of having to part with the deceased to praying that the deceased will escape from pain and obtain happiness. I tell them to breathe deeply, and with each deep breath to send forth from the bottom of their hearts lotus flowers that represent blessings: one flower for the deceased, one for all living beings, and one for themselves. By learning to divert their thoughts, survivors gradually divert their emotions and thus broaden their scope of concern and care for other people.

Humor

Many people are unable to accept that at a time of distress there is still room for humor. Nonetheless, humor is an excellent remedy for pain and an alternative way of dealing with feelings of helplessness in the face of a catastrophe. An old woman in the disaster area in Taiwan said, "I must eat well and wait for the next earthquake." She also said, "Just think--at such an old age, I still have the opportunity to go camping!" In her gentle self-mockery is the wisdom with which she copes with the disaster.

After the earthquake, many people say they feel indignant when they see others smile. I ask them, "Would it take less time for people to recover if all the people in Taiwan stopped smiling?" As for those who have lost loved ones and wear woeful expressions, I wait patiently. One day when I see a smile flash over their sad faces, I say, "It's so nice that you can smile again. Your folks in heaven will be very happy to see this."