Heaven and hell are created by one's mind. If a gangster can transform himself into a bodhisattva, anyone can follow the Tzu Chi path.

When I was 12, I left home and began wandering about. A fortune-teller had told my mother that she and I would not get along well and there would be trouble between us. My mom didn't know what to do, so I decided to leave home. I didn't know how to support myself. When I was looking for a job, someone I knew said that he needed a hand, so I went. The result was that I became a bodyguard in Taipei. And I also became a gangster.

Stupid and Ridiculous

I did a lot of bad things when I was involved with the gangs. Someone in my village told my mother that her son was making trouble in Taipei. My mom didn't believe it, because she thought I was a good boy. How could I be a bodyguard beating up other people?

Finally, she learned the whole truth.

When I turned eighteen, my mom wanted me to get married. She thought that if I were married, I would become better. But actually, I became much worse and made my parents and my wife even more upset and miserable. My parents hoped that after I finished my military service, I would be a better person. That didn't happen either.

Someone suggested to me that I should take my refuge in the Three Treasures, by which he meant Buddha, his teachings and the assembly of monks and nuns. I laughed, "Of course, I take refuge in tobacco, betel nuts and alcohol."

Someone else told me that I should do good deeds. "What good deeds?" I replied. "You'll do a good deed if you buy me a drink."

I used to smoke four and a half packs of cigarettes a day. I've stopped now. Now I know smoking is a slow way of suicide. In the past, if I didn't smoke for a day, I felt like I was going to die. My mom used to tell me to quit smoking, and I always told her that I would quit when I was dead.

On a train to Kaohsiung recently, someone was smoking next to me. It smelled awful. When I was smoking, I never noticed the smell. Now that I've quit, I realize that sitting next to smokers is an unpleasant experience.

I used to chew betel nuts so much that I lost eight teeth. When I was a hooligan, I was good at fighting, gambling, smoking, chewing betel nuts, drinking and womanizing. The places I went to were filled with vicious-looking people. People used to be afraid to look at me too, but now my appearance is much more pleasant. Someone said that one's thoughts can transform one's appearance, and I fully agree with that.

In the past, I would simply beat up or kill anyone who didn't like me. I didn't care if I was thrown in jail. I thought that if I died, I would be reincarnated as a human being again. However, in the cycle of reincarnation, one may be reborn as many other creatures before one is finally reborn as a human being again. It isn't easy to be born as a human being. Therefore, I cherish the value of my human existence and do what I can to contribute to society.

My Tears

Once I had a fight in a gambling parlor, and I was sent to jail. One day, my mom came up from the south to see me, but she forgot to bring any identification. Although the poor old woman was seventy years old, the guards refused to let her in. She cried all the way back home. When I heard about it, I cried too. I was such a bad son.

My wife often said to me that she was married to me, so no matter what happened, she'd follow me to the end. She told me that it was miserable for her to be married to a husband like me. Other women had husbands who were kind and caring, but she was stuck with me. She tried her best to endure it and constantly came to see me in jail. I was touched, so I decided that after I was released, I would turn over a new leaf. However, my personality couldn't be changed so easily.

Quarrelling with the Goddess of Mercy

It was through all this misfortune that I entered Tzu Chi. One day in jail, I read a book, Realizing the Value of Life. I wanted to change, but I didn't know how. One night when I was sleeping, I dreamed that the Goddess of Mercy told me that my chance had arrived and I should join Tzu Chi. I didn't believe this, because I'd never heard of the Goddess of Mercy and I never prayed to her. In that dream, I quarreled with her. I argued out loud with her in my sleep, so everyone else in the cell knew about it the next morning. They told me that I probably missed my wife too much. When I dreamed of the Goddess of Mercy the second time, I started to feel strange about it. There were twelve people in the cell, so why was she talking to me? She said that my chance was here and that I shouldn't miss it. I still didn't believe it. Then she came for the third time, telling me to grasp the chance to join Tzu Chi. I'd never heard of Tzu Chi before, so I was quite curious.

After I was released from jail, I sold fruit for a living. One day, a customer came to buy fruit, and I suddenly saw in her hands a book titled Master Cheng Yen's Tzu Chi. I got quite excited. I didn't know the customer, but I asked her if I could borrow that book. She replied, "If you like it, you can have it."

I finished the book very quickly and was very moved. Then, I pasted a notice on my fruit stand: "Master Cheng Yen of Tzu Chi is building a hospital, nursing college, and university, and she is helping the poor. You are welcome to participate!" I bought a little notebook and started soliciting funds.

The Difficult First Step

An old woman saw my notice, but said to me, "You haven't done one good thing since you were a child, so don't try to trick me." This was like a slap in the face. Another old woman said, "I've known you for a long time, and since when do you do good deeds? I think you'll spend the money yourself!"

When I was talking to one man about Tzu Chi, he didn't indicate whether he wanted to donate. I persistently pleaded for his help, and I even opened his car door for him. He finally said, "You've been talking for a long time, and I think you must be thirsty, so I'll donate ten dollars [US$0 .35] for your effort."

Wow, ten dollars! I was happier than if I'd gotten a thousand. I asked that man to leave me his name and address, but he said that I was too talkative.

Since then, I've tried my best to talk to others about Tzu Chi. Whenever someone buys fruit, I offer them books and cassettes about Tzu Chi. Sometimes I even forget my own business. I've decided that if I can't succeed in helping Tzu Chi, I might as well die.

Transformation

I once joined a Tzu Chi group on a train to the Abode of Still Thoughts. I brought nothing but three bottles of beer. I used to drink eight bottles of beer a day. I could go without food, but not without beer.

On the train, the Tzu Chi members were dressed up very nicely, but I dressed too casually. And I only thought about the beer. When we arrived at the Hualien train station, Tzu Cheng Faith Corps members quickly loaded us on buses, so I couldn't drink even a mouthful. When we arrived at the Abode of Still Thoughts, I was surprised, because I thought that it was a place for us to drink, dance, gamble and have fun. Why were there nuns giving sermons?

Master Cheng Yen lectured to our group very sincerely, but I didn't pay any attention at all. I only thought about my beer, so I went to a washroom and drank it all. When the Master finished her lecture and came out, I ran into her. She asked me why my face was so red, and I answered that it was because of the sun. When I went for the second talk, I still couldn't listen. I couldn't sit still, and I constantly went in and out. I had absolutely no idea what the Master was talking about.

During the third lecture, I was a little bit better. Master Cheng Yen said that there was only one road through the mountains between Hualien and Taipei. If a patient needed to be sent to Taipei but the road was blocked by landslides, the patient would certainly die. I listened carefully and noticed how skinny the Master was. I wondered how she could shoulder the heavy load of building a hospital and nursing school while I, a man, couldn't accomplish anything. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my handkerchief was soon soaked. My repentance made me realize that I had wasted thirty years of life. My life would have been much more wonderful if I had known how to repay society for my wrongs.

When I went home, I told everything to my wife, and she was really delighted. She said, "Following the Master in what she is doing is the correct path."

Because I still doubted that someone would dedicate herself wholly to Buddhism and to helping people, I frequently went back to Hualien. I was in awe at the enormity of the hospital and the small size of the Abode, so I vowed, "The welfare of Tzu Chi is my responsibility; my own life is of no concern."

One's strength depends on one's commitment. One time after I came back from a pilgrimage to the Abode, I told my wife that from then on I would be a vegetarian. My wife didn't believe me, because I used to have meat at every meal. I needed to have meat every day. Whenever my wife gave me vegetables, I would argue with her. But ever since my decision, I've been a vegetarian.

Now I donate the money paid by the first customer every morning to Tzu Chi. I often say to my friends that we must know how to use money wisely. If you have ten dollars, then $2.50 is for your parents, $5 is for your family, and $2.50 is for society.

I'm happy working for Tzu Chi's mission. There is never enough time. Tzu Chi doesn't belong to a single person, but to all of us.