Trying to kill yourself after you have been severely injured only harms yourself in vain. Why not just let go? Let your disability be part of your life. Train yourself, exercise, be joyful, and take it easy.

Members of the Tzu Chi Spinal Injury Patients' Club are like plants in the desert. Because they have been deprived of so much, they must activate all their potential in order to live on. The result of their struggle is that they become more spiritually transcendent and more open-minded than normal people. Like plants in the desert, which must use every bit of their potential, they blossom with even more brilliantly beautiful flowers than plants on the plain. They seem to have a sad beauty, though. "Spiritually, victims of spinal injuries guide me," said Hsieh Su-mei, a volunteer in the social service division of Tzu Chi Hospital. "They are stronger than me."

Since Hsieh had spent quite a long time with spinal injury patients, her description of them was expressive and to the point. She was even more vivid in her description of Brother Chang Ching-po, an activity group leader of the Tzu Chi Spinal Injury Patients' Club, who himself has been disabled for 35 years.

Chang seldom likes to draw attention to himself, but with his athletic body, his easygoing, friendly character, and the uninhibited laugh from the bottom of his heart, he is the soul of the club. After being severely injured, most people become weak, gloomy, withdrawn, self-pitying, or even develop superiority complexes in response to their negative feelings about themselves. However, Chang's optimistic, progressive, energetic character encourages other patients. Even though he keeps silent in the group, people notice him easily.

Nevertheless, he did try to kill himself in an unimaginably cruel way. After a bloody, painful struggle, he called up all his inner potential, just like a desert plant, and walked out of the shadow of his injuries to forge his present relaxed, easygoing attitude.

A Tidy House

Though we had met a few times, we hadn't really talked. He didn't know who was on the phone wanting to interview him. Yet, as a person with a warm personality, he makes friends with anyone he meets the first time. The day before our appointment, he drove his specially-made motorcycle to bring a bag of oranges and visit his friends in the Abode of Still Thoughts. He spent the day just looking around in the courtyard and chatting with the nuns. Afraid that the noise of his motorcycle may disturb the quietness of the Abode, he doesn't go there often, even though he lives nearby. He usually pays his delightful surprise visits to the Tzu Chi Hospital and to the homes of club members.

On the following day, I found Chang's house just off a main highway. The whole house was clean and tidy. I had expected that it would be a mess, both because he is a confirmed bachelor, and because it is often difficult for the handicapped to do household chores. However, looking at his living environment, one could imagine the toughness, straightforwardness, and practical view of life that the man from northern China had.

Since I Couldn't Die, I Made the Best of Life

Chang was born in Hopei Province, mainland China. When he was small, his hometown was at war. His father sold all their property, bought guns and ammunition and organized villagers to form a guerrilla defense force. In 1949, the situation got even worse. His father let the fifteen-year-old Chang and his nine-year-old brother enlist in the army, so that they could go with the retreating troops to the far-off island of Taiwan. Chang served ten years in the army as a driver.

He was active and liked to play basketball with comrades in his leisure time. Sometimes he sang, and with his broad, unconstrained voice he always won a lot of applause. He got along well with people, and the days went by easily. After ten years, he had grown from an innocent youngster into a handsome, spirited young man.

Unfortunately, everything in life changes and good luck never lasts. In 1958, the truck Chang was driving flipped over during a military drill. He was saved, but he was paralyzed from the waist down. It was an unbearable fate for an active, extroverted young man. Half a year later, he despaired even more when his girlfriend of many years deserted him and married someone else. His dreams of serving the country and setting up his own family were shattered, and he had become a burden on society. Having received such severe blows, he wanted to kill himself. He still sppeared to have fun, with a drink in his right hand and peanuts in his left, but secretly he started planning to end his 25 years of life.

Once he decided to die, he didn't want anyone to be able to save him. First he asked an unsuspecting American friend to buy him the best and the sharpest switchblade knife from the US Army post exchange in Taipei. Then, on a dark, silent night with no one around, he started from those legs that he so hated. The first two cuts went on the insensitive kneecaps. Since he couldn't feel any pain, he cut the tendons, then his left wrist, and then he calmly drew the knife upward through the blood and mercilessly slit his nect twelve times.

Even though his trachea and esophagus were cut, he was still miraculously saved. After this unsuccessful suicide attempt, he tried twice to starve himself to death. His body might have been just too fit. Although he suffered severe stomach pains, he was still quite healthy and energetic. Finally, he admitted that he was unable to die. He thought that if other people like him could live on, he could too. In fact, he decided to live even better!

After his suicide attempts, Chang stayed in the Army General Hospital for three years until he recovered. Although he had a disability pension from the Ministry of National Defense, he sold balloons on the streets for four years to make a little more money. He also entered a singing competition held by the Fu Hsing radio station in order to improve his self-respect. He worked very hard and ate only steamed buns each day. He said that a street-peddler, just like a fly, was always being chased away by the police, but it was still a way of making a living. After he had worked hard for a while, he saved up some money. Unfortunately, he was hit by a truck while he was doing business in front of a provincial hospital, and he needed over twenty stitches on his head. His head was hurt again when his ill-balanced, makeshift tricycle fell over backward as he was riding up a hill. With a body full of scars and a perception of the vicissitudes of life, he ended his peddling work and started a life of ease and freedom.

He lived in veterans' homes in Pingtung and Hualien for only a short time because he didn't like to be restrained by their rules and regulations. Then he went to live with his brother, but again he left because he didn't want to disturb the family. Finally, he bought a house and settled down in Hualien.

As a man with an optimistic, friendly personality, Chang likes to visit other club members, chatting, listening to music and singing. All the pain and unfairness are then forgotten, and life is satisfying and happy. With his active financial management, he has a house, a jeep, and good savings. He can thus lead a pretty comfortable life.

Even though he was deserted by his first girlfriend about 40 years ago, he has never lost interest in girls. In April 1996, he met his current girlfriend, Liu King-lang, at a Spinal Injury Patients' Club barbecue. She has been a volunteer at the club and a good friend of the veteran ever since. Chang, aged 64, still doesn't want to get married because of his preference for freedom. He admits that he does like Liu, who works at a marble factory near his house, but he wants to maintain a good-friend relationship with her. "When I go, I want to go unencumbered," he said. Both of them enjoy traveling together during the holidays.

Patients' Big Brother

Chang describes himself as "I'm not good, but my heart's not bad." Nevertheless, club members regard him as their big brother who helps whenever there is a need. His care and encouragement are their most reliable spiritual support. He accompanies those who have just become injured and bedridden through their toughest time. He uses his own spiritual struggle and more than thirty years of experience to teach them how to take care of themselves and adjust psychologically.

Chang observes that the most important ways to fight major enemies like bedsores, infections, and failure of heart and lung functions are by doing exercise, turning oneself over frequently, and maintaining one's personal hygiene. When sleeping, one should keep the feet high to avoid swelling, and one should form the habit of turning at least once every hour. Clothes should be changed every day and the private parts of the body should be blown dry with a hair dryer after bathing to avoid infection.

Patients should exercise every day, especially focusing on their arms. Once the lower half of the body is paralyzed, one needs hands and arms to help get oneself in and out of bed, do the washing and cooking, etc. Chang exercises at least one hour every morning, lifting twelve-pound dumbbells and doing other exercises.

Chang was the chairman of the Wheelchair Club of Mennonite Hospital for almost twenty years. After Tzu Chi Hospital was opened, he introduced club members to the Spinal Injury Patients' Club of Tzu Chi Hospital. He nominated young Chu Chen-fu as the association's first chairman, and he himself stepped back and worked as the leader of an activity group. Yet, his experience and optimistic, tolerant attitude are always a lubricant and a good force for compromise whenever there is a conflict of opinions among members.

For example, once during a meeting, a member suggested looking for medical treatment in mainland China. Unexpectedly, this suggestion was immediately criticized by other impulsive young members as being a waste of money. Both sides argued back and forth. The atmosphere was explosive. "Everybody hopes that they can get a chance to be cured," Chang pointed out. "People who have enough money naturally want to try. But don't expect too much. If it doesn't work out, then just think of the journey as a sightseeing trip. While we are looking for that chance, the most practical thing is to be realistic and make the best arrangements for our lives." His words settled the dispute. His mature attitude and practical insight were respected by all the members.

Living Easily With Disability

Chang also emphasizes the greatness of religious strength. "A true faith makes people aware of and grateful to the people and events around them. In all things, we should think more about other people. There are a lot of people in this world who suffer more than we do. We're not good for anything. Other people give us clothes, food and drink. Even Brazilians take care of us every time we have a cup of coffee. Just think how many people we should be grateful to for the comfortable life that we have."

Chang encourages injured friends by observing that they are just passersby going down the road of life step by step. So long as they do not despair, they can get through anything in life. If other people can do it, of course they can do it too. Since they have to live on, they can do it with either a frown or a smile!