When I was little, we had a custom that if a little boy was to be adopted by another family [because that family had no son], then his family had to adopt a little girl in return. The girl would be treated as a future daughter-in-law. It was under this kind of circumstance that I was given away when I was eight.

Fisherman's Dream

One day, my mother said to me, "Chin-yuan, I know you love to eat fish. I'm going to take you to Kuishan Island. There are plenty of fish to eat there." I was really happy and I went with her. I ate the fish, but I never saw my parents or my brothers or sisters again. I didn't understand why I had to call those strangers Mom and Dad. But I cried under the pillow for a long time.

Back then, Kuishan Island had about sixty families. They were all fishermen and naturally I became one of them. On the boat I often got seasick, but because I loved to eat fish so much, I was happy with my job. Regardless of the weather, we had to start at 3:00 every morning, and we didn't get home until after 7 in the evening.

After our daughter was born, my wife was concerned about her education. Furthermore, our house had just been destroyed in a neighbourhood fire. So we moved to my wife's hometown, which also happened to be a fishing village. Thus, fishing was still my profession. I went fishing every day and I enjoyed eating seafood as always.

A Change of Job and Heart

About ten years ago, my wife started to go to Nan Kuang Temple every evening. At first, I doubted that she was really going to the temple, so I always went with her. She would go inside the temple and I would sit outside to enjoy the night, and then we would go home together. That was how I first came in touch with Tzu Chi. One day, a Tzu Chi member came up to me. "Brother Lan, you come to the temple every day. You should become a Tzu Chi commissioner." I had no idea what a commissioner was, but I agreed because I heard the organization was doing good work.

Another time, the abbot of the temple gave me some advice. "Fishermen kill fish all the time. The bad karma you create will control your thoughts and emotions. You cannot calmly enjoy life with the ones you love. If you really care about your family, you should change your job."

About nine years ago, I told my wife that I was determined to change my job. At that time, she didn't have the courage to agree. "The kids need the money for school. Why don't you work a few more years till they graduate? Then you can think about getting a new job." I felt sad and I knew my karmic obstacles were strong. After a few sleepless nights, I got up the courage to tell my wife again that I wanted to change my occupation and that I needed her help. She didn't answer me, so I quoted from the Ksitigarbha Sutra: "If you see anyone hunting for any living creatures, warn him that he will be punished by the separation of his own family." I said to my wife sadly, "Everyone in the family is doing good and right things except me, and I come a step closer to hell every day." My wife said to me in tears, "No matter how hard it is, I'll help you change your job."

I changed jobs five or six times, with the maximum pay of NT$200 [then US$5] for a day's work. I saw that my kids were coming home with leftover food in their lunchboxes each day, because they didn't like the poor food that we gave them. I couldn't bear to see them so hungry, so I gave the kids NT$50 [US$1.25] each to buy their lunches at school. My earnings were not even enough to cover the lunches for the five kids, so I decided to get a job at a marble factory.

At that time there was no machinery to move the marble slabs. It was done by hard physical labour. Cutting the marble resulted in high temperatures, so water was constantly sprayed to reduce the heat inside the building. We had to wear raincoats all day until midnight. We then had to come back to work at eight the next morning. It was a much harder job than fishing. Friends and relatives laughed at me. "You are so stupid. The pay from one day's fishing is better than a whole month's pay there."

Several times I had the strong urge to go back to fishing. But with my wife's encouragement and help, I would calm down again.

Leaving Home for Work

For financial reasons, I was forced to leave our home and move to Yingko with only my wife and my youngest daughter, leaving the other children with my parents in my hometown. After we moved, my wife suggested that I eat vegetarian food on certain days each month. Once, I had been on a vegetarian diet for two consecutive days and I really wanted to have some fish for dinner. I asked my wife to go buy a great, big fish for me, but she refused. "Why do you want another fish? To get more bad karma?" "Today's the last time," I pleaded. "Please have mercy on me." But she ignored me, and that night, because I didn't have any fish, I tossed and turned all night.

The next day, I was quite listless, but Buddha was compassionate to me. I heard a monk speaking in the temple. "A lot of people don't dare to go to the graveyard because they think there are ghosts there. But actually, the graveyard is only a place for bones and corpses. Everybody, think about it! Before you became vegetarians, how many animals did you put into your stomachs? Pigs, cows, fish, shrimps, all those that flew in the air, swam in the water and crawled on the land were all in your stomach. So your stomach was actually dirtier and more horrible than a graveyard." When I heard this, I decided to become a complete vegetarian.

Becoming a Gentle Father

In Yingko, both my wife and I had to work at least 12 hours a day, but we could barely make ends meet. I missed my parents and my other kids too. After one year, we moved back home and my wife and I went to work at a cosmetics company. With both of us working, our monthly income was less than NT$20 ,000 [US$500], and we had five kids still in school.

I had never had a good education, so I put all my hopes on my kids. However, I pushed them too hard, with the result that the kids learned to be afraid of me. Once when I got home after a hard day at work, I hoped to see them studying. When I stepped in the door, I saw all of them watching TV. My temper flared up, and I yelled that I would chop up the TV with an ax, which terrified the children. My wife earnestly remonstrated with me, and I gradually realized that even though I had sincere hopes for the kinds' education, I needed to express myself appropriately. After that, I tried to really communicate with the kinds instead of yelling at them. I often promised them that I would change and control my temper. However, the situation didn't improve. The kids were still afraid of me and unwilling to speak to me. I was very sad about this, and I wondered what I should do to let them feel closer to me.

Learning to Clap Hands , Learning to Smile

Joining the Tzu Cheng Faith Corps in 1989 was a turning point in my life. At first, I didn't know what the corps was all about, but I worked hard to learn. Sometimes I didn't quite understand what Master Cheng Yen or other Tzu Chi members said, but I liked the Tzu Chi activities and I enjoyed going to Hualien.

My wife often asked me, "What have you learned today from the activities?" I would scratch my head, give her a silly grin, and say, "I learned how to clap hands and smile." She would ask again, "When the Master was preaching, did you learn anything?" I would look embarassed. "I don't know. I saw other people clapping hands, and I clapped my hands. When I saw them laughing, I was happy and laughed with them."