"You should love the one your husband loves."
-Master Cheng Yen

Does this quotation take you by surprise? When you think of "love," do you think of loving your husband's mistress? How would you put Master Cheng Yen's words into action?

With more people involved in extramarital affairs , the permanence of love seems to be in doubt. Of course, affairs are not easy to handle. In this article, we examine the difficulties of love through real-life stories. These stories make us ponder whether the value of life can be found in the creation of a happy family. Or is love nothing more than a fleeting chapter in life? Can romantic passion be transformed into a passion for seeking our true selves?

These stories can suggest the answers to these questions, but it is only in your own mind that you can reach the right answers for your life.

A Woman and a Girl
A True Story by an Immigrant Mother

By Li Hsiao-wen and Chen Yu-fang
Translated by Lin Sen-shou

I kept my composure. I didn't get angry or make a scene. I just asked the girl calmly why she couldn't find someone her own age.

Which is more important, physical charm or inner beauty? I would answer that both are important.

Two years ago, a fortune-teller told my husband that he would have an affair. I was quite confident and laughed. I told myself that there was no need to be afraid.

My Husband's Affair

I had been living overseas for nearly six years, and I was quite proud of myself * I ranked third in my graduating class, my English was good, and I was quite attractive. I was very happy with my life. Although my husband was working in Taiwan, I wasn't worried about the stability of our marriage.

When I went back to Taiwan, I didn't expect to discover that he had been having an affair. I couldn't cry. All I did was shake. Many questions specially "why?" * floated through my mind. I didn't want to believe what was happening.

I was afraid of losing him, so I didn't dare to object to anything he said or did. I even knelt before him and begged him not to leave me. My constant sobbing and my international phone calls only annoyed him. He said that he was sick and tired of hearing my voice.

I had an operation on my gums, and the doctor said that I could start to bleed at any time, so I shouldn't risk driving alone. But there was no one to accompany me. My heart ached when the doctor asked me where my husband was.

For six years, I was afraid of the dark. I couldn't sleep on the wide expanse of a double bed. I was trapped in fear. Sleeping pills and brandy didn't help.

How could the wonderful times that both of us had once cherished disappear like a feather floating away on the breeze?

I decided to look for the truth, so I hired a private eye to investigate. After seeing picture after picture of my husband and his mistress together, I fell into despair. At that time, my daughter wrote to me. "Mom, I feel money can't buy everything. I don't mind living a poorer life. I don't want Dad, you, my brother and I to have a lot of money but to live unhappily. If you continue to be like this, we will lose you. You aren't the same as before. You used to have confidence..."

I decided to face the incident with courage.

The Chase

One day, the detective wanted me to go with him. It was time to catch both of them in the act.

I put on my sunglasses and a straw hat, and I sat in a black car with darkened windows. I was nervous as we sat quietly near my husband's office. At 4, my husband left for the day and we followed him.

My husband picked her up and they went directly to a motel. It was like in a movie. I went in with a group of youngsters the detective had gotten to accompany us, and they forced the motel manager to open the door.

I couldn't believe that the girl behind the door was someone I knew quite well. Not long before, I had given her some facial cream and I even asked her why she wasn't married. She had looked at her ring and said that she was engaged to an overseas Chinese. And now that overseas Chinese turned out to be my husband!

When my husband saw me, he asked angrily how much money I had spent on this. I kept my composure. I didn't get angry or make a scene. I just asked the girl calmly why she couldn't find someone her own age. "If you really love him and he can give you happiness, then I congratulate both of you." I turned to my husband. "If you don't want me, then let me go. To keep me tied to a marriage and freely pursue another woman at the same time is simply not fair to me."

The girl kept crying and apologizing. I took out my tissues and gave them to her so she could wipe off her tears. Without saying anything more, I left.

The Charm of a Middle-Aged Woman

When I went back overseas, I started my new life . I couldn't get rid of my nightmares and I was still afraid of the dark. I still cried, but I chose to live with dignity.

During this period, I was fortunate to have many good friends around me. My friend Mary, who was a volunteer in a hospital, phoned me three times a day. "It's OK that one person doesn't want you, but more than five thousand hospital staff need you here. These people can show you the value of your life, so why don't you get back on your feet, and get out of your house?" My friends' encouragement gave me the strength to leave my cocoon of misery.

In the past, I was only partially committed to helping Tzu Chi. Now, I don't have anything else to worry about, so I can devote myself completely. I've gradually realized that while I don't have the youthful figure of a 25-year-old, I do have the charm of a 40-year-old! Chinese remind each other to "die happily," so why can't we "live happily"?

I work hard for Tzu Chi during the day, and I give myself time to think things over in the evening. Once in a while, I go out with my friends to have coffee in the sunshine. Allowing myself to live happily reflects my new understanding of life.

My husband frequently had arguments with his mistress. He came to me several times to "get away," but I told him to face his problems himself. Now we are like friends. We don't have to feel /possessive towards each other. We just chat.

After this incident, my husband seems to have become his old self again. He sweeps floors, goes shopping with the children, and treats me kindly. And I have also learned to examine myself and correct my mistakes, such as wanting to control everything. Now I have more confidence, and I can be a companion to many other immigrant mothers who are experiencing similar marriage crises.

How to Be a Confid.0ent Woman

So what do I think about the third person in this situation, my husband's mistress? I don't feel that anyone should look down on her. Who could envy her situation? I also think such things depend on chance. Therefore, I have chosen not to hate. I even do good deeds on her behalf.

Not only has my confidence returned, but I have also gained the inner beauty of love and compassion. I even lost weight when I was in despair over my husband's affair, and this was an unexpected benefit!

So I say that the attractiveness of a forty-year-old woman with both physical charm and inner beauty cannot be ignored!

I Thank Her for Looking After Him for Me
An Innocent Woman's Marriage Through a Matchmaker

By Lin Mei-yi

His leaving was actually my emancipation. I feel that I have gotten back something called "happiness."

Since the day of their marriage, Mrs. Chen never thought to completely possess her husband.

A Vow to Safeguard the Marriage

As a young woman, Mrs. Chen was lovely and active . Young men were always interested in her, but she listened to her parents' advice and found her husband through a matchmaker. The prospective groom was said to be a diligent worker from the southern part of Taiwan.

When the marriage had been arranged, she kept hearing neighbours gossiping, "This marriage won't last long because he's from a poor family and doesn't have much education." In her mind, she vowed to make the marriage work so that she would be considered praiseworthy.

However, the heavens played a joke on her. He was not at all like what the matchmaker had said. He was a playboy, liked to gamble, and had no sense of responsibility. The marriage quickly became something that had no love and no future.

Mrs. Chen looked after a small grocery store, and she lowered the prices to sell more. Her husband, on the other hand, kept on spending. There was also gossip about him having affairs. Mrs. Chen thought that as long as he came home every night, she could ignore all these rumours. She just hoped that the appearance of a family could be maintained.

Twenty-four years went by like this, and Mrs. Chen became used to the empty shell of her marriage. Her husband still came home, and she ignored what he did outside the home. Until one day "she" appeared...

Words of Truth

She looked very ordinary and was a little overweight. Her husband had a serious illness and their children were very young. The family depended on her selling noodles to survive. Mrs. Chen was compassionate, so after she heard about the woman's plight, she often went to visit her.

Sometimes Mrs. Chen was so busy that she could not go in person, so she would ask her husband to go visit her when she needed help. After some time, Mr. Chen, who normally did not care about others, would automatically visit the woman. When her husband died, he went to her even more often.

Mrs. Chen did have suspicions and there were rumours circulating, but she still turned a blind eye to the situation.

"After sacrificing more than 20 years with you, I have finally found someone I love. I would rather die for her than live for you!" Mr. Chen said he wanted a divorce. Mrs. Chen never expected that her husband's mistress would be so vicious and force him to ask for a divorce.

Talking to her husband, Mrs. Chen's words of truth couldn't defeat the woman's honeyed words. She accepted the whole thing, and she even tried to smooth things out when the third party had arguments with her husband, hoping the three of them could live happily. However, her husband still chose to live with his mistress.

Unloading the Burden of Self-Blame

In Mrs. Chen's marriage, her "husband" existed in name only. However, she still had traditional family values, and she hoped to give her children a good home. Therefore, she didn't ask for a divorce, even after her husband left her.

"We all have to leave each other. It's just a question of when." Mrs. Chen is optimistic in everything. She participates in Tzu Chi activities and has learned about Buddhism. In dealing with this affair, she has learned to keep her emotions under control.

"His leaving was like an emancipation. I feel that I have found something called 'happiness.'" After her efforts to get her husband back failed, Mrs. Chen decided to protect herself. She wouldn't carry all the blame for the failed marriage, and she wouldn't linger on what was already lost. She decided to change her attitude and to live for herself again.

However, no matter how optimistic she is, whenever she mentions her four children, her heart aches. She says that the children are the victims of this whole affair. All she can do is tell them that if they choose carefully, there are still good people in the world. In addition, she also shares with her children what she has learned from this marriage: one must learn that sweet words are the lubricant for marriage, one needs economic power to survive, and one must be able to protect oneself.

Love Is Always There

When her husband is mentioned, she says, "Our love is still there, but it has gone from color to black-and-white."

As for the other woman, Mrs. Chen smiled sincerely and said, "I want to thank her for looking after him for me."

A Mother's Love Overcomes Everything
Sister Lin Shu-pei and Her Little Bodhisattvas

By Chen Yu-fang
Translated by Norman Yuan

In marriage, we always want, want, want. One woman has learned to give, give, give.

Jane Goodall, who has lived and worked with chimpanzees for more than 30 years, said that in the world of chimpanzees, the deepest affection was motherly love. This is just the same as the emotions of human beings. The story of chimpanzees reminded me of this woman's story.

Broken Marriage, Complete Home

She is a dutiful single parent. She doesn't want to talk about her past or her husband because she can only cope with the present.

Talking about the bitterness of her life, she can give you lots of examples, such as giving birth without her husband present, taking her child (who has congenital heart disease) to see doctors alone, and earning a living by herself. In married life, she has usually walked alone.

Who says it takes a father, a mother and children to form a family? A family can also exist without a father.

Although she sometimes feels overburdened or can't afford to buy toys for her children, she still insists that her children deserve a happy childhood. She has never shown her sorrow or vented her grievances to her children. She tells her children that their father is a policeman and has gone out to arrest bad people. She has never complained about him because she wants to teach her children about the concept of love.

Sometimes the children, especially the boy, miss their father. Her son says, "Give offerings to the Buddha, give offerings to the monks and give offerings to father." Or he changes "Amitabha" to "Amipapa!" When other kids ask them where their father is, the little girl says, "My father has disappeared." The little boy calls his mother "Mama-papa!" because he thinks that she is his mother and father at the same time.

The Way to Treat Our Spouses

After she joined Tzu Chi, someone reminded her that all members of the Tzu Cheng Faith Corps are fathers to her children. She realized that she had "dharma relatives." With the love of Tzu Chi brothers and sisters, her children have become little bodhisattvas, obedient and understanding.

She uses the word "clean" to describe her feeling of joining Tzu Chi, because all her perplexities have been washed away. We frequently see her driving a truck to collect recyclable resources. She also attends flower arrangement classes and Chinese herbal medicine classes. She has created a business for herself, learned gratitude from giving, and lived her life fully.

Looking back on her marriage, she deeply comprehends that in marriage, we usually want, want, want. Now she has learned to give, give, give. The breakup of her marriage started with quarrels over trivial things, such as refusing to make tea for him or buying the wrong brand of powdered milk. The garbage in their hearts gradually piled up to such an extent that more serious conflicts broke out. After that, it was too late to go back to the starting point.

Will the Next Man Be Better?

In life, it is very difficult to let go of something you treasure, to say nothing about giving up a man or a woman you love. How badly she had hoped to own him! She has heard of his numerous romances and love affairs. She is no longer attached to the love they once had because she has learned to let go. She said the simpleidea of letting go has made her even more contented.

I asked her whether she expected that her next man would be better. She said, "The waves in the river of love are too violent and too bitter." Selfish small love cannot compare with the pure great love of Tzu Chi.

Three People Walking Together
Sister Wang's Road of Love

By Chen Yu-fang
Translated by Norman Yuan

Actually, men cannot leave their families behind . They care about their wives and their children. It isn't that a man doesn't love his wife, but that he wants to love both his wife and the other woman .

The reason she became an intruder in another woman's marriage was somewhat innocent. When she was a little girl, she liked to visit many temples with her grandmother. She made an early decision that she would never be married and that she would instead choose a religious life. However, her fate led her on another road.

"I'll never become a respectable wife no matter how hard I try. Why? Because I'm a third person. In the past, I doubted if a person like me could be a part of the Tzu Chi World."

A Twist of Fate

She started a beauty salon when she was 20. Because of her superior skills, she had a lot of customers. In the village where she lived, people were very conservative. Since she had turned down several marriage proposals, rumors began to circulate about her. A popular speculation was that she was in love with a man she had met when she was 15.

"Actually, he was more than 10 years older than me . He treated me as his younger sister. Besides, when we met, I already had a boyfriend." However untrue, the rumor affected her boyfriend. One day he said to her, "My friends keep asking me why I keep going out with you. It's not as if there aren't any other women out there." These words hurt her and she decided to break up with him.

Rumors continued to circulate, and they got worse and worse. People said she had had an abortion for that older man. It was unbearable when the man's wife came to her home to ask for justice. Perhaps her strong character led her to challenge the man's wife, or maybe it was just a moment of weakness. In the end she fulfilled the rumors and started an affair with the man. That decision dragged her into an abyss of degradation.

What a Man's Heart Is Made Of

In the 13 years that they lived together, there was only suffering. The villagers treated her like the plague. They either avoided her or spat on her when they bumped into her on the street. It was as if the word "whore" had been engraved on her forehead.

She really wanted to tell the people that to be loved was also a kind of suffering, that it wasn't her fault that he loved her. When he was in debt, she had to work hard to help him pay it off. When he had no money for his five kids, she had to raise money for him. Otherwise, she was afraid people would also accuse her of causing his financial problems. When his wife was angry and came to reproach or beat her, she had to tolerate the insults. What reason did she have to fight back? She was the intruder, destined to be miserable.

"Actually, men can't leave their families behind. They care about their wives and their children. It isn't that he doesn't love his wife, but that he wants to love both his wife and the other woman."

Retrieving Her Dignity

She treated her lover's children as her own. Indeed, she treated them better than her own son. Because of this, her son protested against the unfair treatment. She explained to him, "If I don't treat them well, you will have no playmates."

Her son once said to her, "If his wife ever beats you again, I'll beat her back when I grow up." She then lied to her son, and told him that the wife was actually his natural mother. She didn't want to plant any seeds of hatred in his innocent heart . Nor did she want to involve the children in the passions of the adult world. She wanted all the children to have a loving place in which to grow up. Because of this broadmindedness, the man's daughter is still living with her, just like her own daughter

Even after she joined Tzu Chi, she was still afraid to hold her head high. She was afraid that she might tarnish the good reputation of Tzu Chi. She was also worried that Tzu Chi members would look upon her with disdain. After five years as an apprentice commissioner, she finally flowered under the encouragement of Tzu Chi members.

In 1991, when she put on the Tzu Chi navy blue uniform and was personally appointed as a commissioner by Master Cheng Yen, she couldn't help crying. That particular day meant that her dignity as a human being was finally affirmed.

Love the One You Hate

She gave all she could give. She felt no shame. However, Master Cheng Yen said, "If you can love someone you hate, that is really something significant." This reminded her that she still had not done enough. If she could get along with her lover's wife, that would be real love.

She decided to leave behind the resentment of many years and to look forward, not backward. On a tour to Japan, she poured her heart out to the wife. "The only mistake I have made in my whole life was to accept your husband's love. But I have paid a high price. I have borne a lot of suffering and hardship. I tried to urge him to be good to you, but he asked if I thought he was too old for me and if I didn't want him anymore. The affection between you and your husband needs to be cultivated by both of you. No one else can help you. Right now, I only want to work for Tzu Chi because I have found the right direction in my life. We are all getting old. I only want harmony in our family and the respect of our children and grandchildren. I hope we can let go of all resentment. Let's all walk on the Tzu Chi road together."

The wife was touched by her sincerity and care and was willing to accept her. Even the husband joined the Tzu Cheng Faith Corps and drew closer to the Buddhist teachings.

The Road of Passion

She is now 60 years old. Looking back on the road of passion that led her to the present, she realized that all the events in the past enabled her to cultivate patience. She has only one hope-that all three of them will walk together on the Tzu Chi road for the rest of their lives.