Willingness is the first step for change. Do not expect miracles to happen right away if you are not willing to change.

It was 8:30 in the evening. Sister Tzu Yi was on her way to collect donations from Tzu Chi members. Walking on the street in this district, she suddenly felt she would probably bump into him-her ex-husband. She knew he lived in this neighborhood. In her heart, she still loved rather than hated him. Even though they had been divorced for twenty years, the thought of meeting him made her heart beat faster.

There weren't many pedestrians as she walked along. Suddenly a silhouette caught her attention, his back hunched over and his body tilting slightly as he walked. Just as she wanted to get a closer look, a car veered by, almost hitting the man. She was startled and looked again uneasily.

"It really is him!" she cried out in her heart. This slouching, sickly old man was the one who had continuously had affairs with other women and who had finally deserted her-her ex-husband!

"The one I once loved and freely chose to marry became someone else's husband. How despicable!" That was how she had felt before. But at this moment, she felt only pity, rather than hate.

A Family Life Without Love

"When I was little, my family sold rice dumplings. I needed to help with the business, and I could hardly call it a childhood. My father doted on me, but he died when I was sixteen. My mother valued her son much more than her daughter." Sister Tzu Yi remained silent for a while, then continued: "To make money, I started to work at a bar and lead a night life."

She gave all the money she made to her mother, but even so she failed to win her approval. When she reached the age for marriage, her mother, instead of guiding her to a happy marriage, encouraged her to be the concubine of a man old enough to be her father. Tzu Yi was disappointed in the weak tie between her mother and herself: "Don't be a fool anymore. I have to think for myself. I can't let Mother decide everything for me any longer."

Lacking family love, Tzu Yi became indifferent toward many things and yet she could easily become very sentimental. She already knew her future husband then, and his mother was always nice to her when she went to visit them, so she could only think of marrying him, in spite of her own mother's objections.

A Broken Marriage

After they got married, life was sweet and enjoyable. Her parents-in-law hoped that she could bear a child as soon as possible. Unfortunately, a tumor was found in her uterus. After it was removed, Tzu Yi was afraid that she might not be able to have any children. Her husband comforted her in every possible way, which relieved her worries. But all those sweet words soon turned out to be lies. He was having an affair with a woman and she was already pregnant.

Her parents-in-law held that since the baby was their bone and flesh, they would wait till the mother gave birth to the baby before they tried to solve the problem. Although Tzu Yi felt that this was unjust, she kept silent to avoid an argument. Besides, it was all because she herself could not bear a child. There was no need to demand a divorce yet.

But soon Tzu Yi found that she was pregnant too. She had expected that her husband would come back for the sake of the child. But this was only an illusion-her husband still played around outside. The resentment built up in her heart and when her husband came home, she would fly off the handle. She thought that her tantrums would settle everything, but her husband had no intention of apologizing and usually settled the arguments with his fists.

This lasted for some time, and three times she filed for a divorce. At first, she only wanted to frighten him. But the third time, her threat became real: she got the divorce. Even now, she still considers that the most heart-breaking day in her life.

Obsessed With Status and Money

Her mother did not want to accept a divorced daughter. To raise her two children, Tzu Yi worked at a beauty parlor. The rent on their apartment cost a third of her monthly income of NT$7,000 (US$259), and they lived from hand to mouth. She got a job as a restaurant hostess, but she still could not make ends meet. So she worked again at a bar and earned a salary of NT$40,000 (US$1,481) per month.

The more her clients liked her, the more she demanded from them. Although everything went the way she wanted, nothing could really satisfy her. She did not want to accept true feelings from her clients, neither would she share with them her own. What she lacked in her heart was love.

One day, a client's wife came to tell her off. Tzu Yi explained that she was only making a living and would never rob her of her husband. But what woman would trust the third one in their marriage? The wife still beat her up.

Thinking of the fact that she herself had also been a victim of a third person in her own marriage, Tzu Yi felt both embarrassed and humiliated. She drank more and more, and she felt that her life was even more bitter than the alcohol. Finally, she took over forty sleeping pills and switched on the gas.

Her roommate found her and got her to the hospital in time. When she woke up, her roommate chided her frankly: "How could you have the heart to leave like this? Your mother and children were really shaken up when they saw how awful you looked. If you go, what will they do?"

Having failed to commit suicide, she gave up the idea. She had a responsibility to look after her widowed mother and young children. Her life had to go on. After she recovered and went back to work, she made more and more money, but she was still less and less happy.

Farewell to the Bar

One day, an old woman who frequently sold flowers in front of the bar asked her if she wanted to do charity work. Although Tzu Yi had spent so many years in this circle of alcohol and sex, she still had a soft heart. She did not deny that love still existed in this world.

"Sure, why don't you take me someday?" They went to an orphanage. Though the children were not her own, she could understand how it felt not to be cared for. She asked the girls in her bar to donate money.

In 1989, her mother-in-law passed away. The family held a Buddhist funeral. On her way to the temple, Tzu Yi bumped into Sister Lo Yueh-kuei, who was just about to leave. She asked her casually where she was going. "To the Tzu Chi branch office to listen to Master Cheng Yen talk. Do you want to come along?"

That was the first time she went to the Tzu Chi branch office. "I was sitting in the fourth row. When the Master's eyes met mine, it was like electricity went through me. She was talking exactly about my problems." After hearing the Master's sermon, Tzu Yi felt relieved. She joined the Tzu Chi Foundation and started to raise donations for it.

Tzu Yi had planned to quit her job at the bar when her children went to college and there was no financial burden. But then she thought to herself that although she could encourage the girls at the bar to do some good and help others, the nature of the job might counteract her efforts. No matter how hard she had tried to do good deeds, nothing had ever gone right. So she finally quit the job in 1992 and left the bar business forever.

There Is No End in Learning

After she quit, Sister Tzu Yi still needed a job to support her children and their education. But she also wanted to work for Tzu Chi, so she couldn't spend all her time working. At last, she decided to be a housekeeper.

"Can you do it?" Her first employer was one of her Tzu Chi team members, who doubted that she could forget her glamorous past. But she did it. She even went to clean the house of one of her former bar girls.

At first, Tzu Yi worked three days a week with a monthly income of NT$12,000 (US$444). Now, her children have grown up and she has no financial worries, but she still works two days a week for NT$8,000 (US$296) a month. Her son tried to persuade her to quit because it was such hard work. Sister Tzu Yi told him that although she didn't earn much, she could donate a little more money each month.

"Tzu Chi is like a university: there is always something I can learn. I no longer complain that my parents didn't give me a good education." She seldom used to talk about her parents, but now she could talk about them with a smile on her face and gratitude in her heart.