In summer 1996, Tzu Chi held a Teacher-Student Summer Camp and a Parent-Child Summer Camp. The students attending these camps had been known for making trouble at their schools. At the camp, they spoke their minds, revealing their thoughts and feelings. Their physics teacher, whom they adored most, shared the secret of his success in winning the students' friendship. A son dearly loved by his parents described what he thought love really means. A repentant father bravely put away his pride and apologized to his sons publicly for beatings he had administered in the past. How can we make students, teachers, children, and parents understand each other? There are always new things to learn about communicating with each other.

Daily Communication

Do We Understand Ourselves?

A counselor for many years, Prof. Tseng Han-rung of the Department of Counseling, National Changhua University of Education, feels that isolation is increasingly a problem in human relationships in Taiwan, and that good communication is important to correct this trend. "Whether people accept our opinions or are willing to cooperate with us depends on how we express our opinions. That is, how we say something is even more important than what we say."

In communication, the first step is to understand ourselves. Eric Berne, an American scholar, proposes that each of us should exhibit three patterns of behavior in daily life: the Parent, the Child and the Adult. In the Parent state, we act as one of our parents did when we were little. In the Child state, we act and respond just like we did when we were of a certain age (between two to five years in ordinary circumstances). In the Adult state we appraise our environment objectively based on past experience. If we understand the ego states of ourselves and the other party, it is usually easy to achieve effective communication. For example, when the other party acts in the Child ego state, we can usually solve the problem satisfactorily if we play an Adult role and handle communication rationally.

"Counseling is like a mirror," says Dr. Tseng. The purpose is to help the child or partner be clear about, understand, and even be conscious of one's self. The task of counseling is not so much in speaking as in listening. Dr. Tseng says a counselor should not be too eager to solve the client's problems. Instead, the counselor should try to express empathy with the client's feelings.

Communication is the art of making contact. Virginia Satir described the most important elements of this contact in her poem, "Goals For Me":

I want to love you without clutching,
appreciate you without judging,
join you without invading,
invite you without demanding,
leave you without guilt,
criticize you without blaming,
and help you without insulting.

Teacher-Student Communication

Teacher, Please Trust Us.

(The following section records the thoughts of students from a class considered "troublesome" at school. They had problems in communicating with their class advisors and attended the camp on the recommendation of their schools.)

We hope that our advisor can trust us. Actually we just think differently from other students. Sometimes we might be too blunt, speaking before thinking, but all we want is to express our opinions. Our teachers, however, think we are talking back.

We also want to be looked upon as good students. Why should we be labeled as "trouble makers" only because we dress smartly or make friends with the opposite sex? We only want to make ourselves pretty, and we always behave ourselves when we are with the opposite sex. Sometimes we go out with them just to see a movie or go window-shopping, like we would do with friends of our own sex. Why do people look askance at us only because our friends are of the opposite sex?

Sometimes we quarrel with classmates or students in other classes. The advisor always blames us without checking out the situation. But quarrels arise only when both sides are at fault. Sometimes we feel that there is no need for teachers to make a fuss about it, because we often make peace with each other several days later. Actually, we can handle these types of situations ourselves, and the advisor's involvement only complicates things.

We want to be praised, but instead we are criticized in almost everything we do. Sometimes we ask ourselves if we are wrong, but each person has an individual style, and we hope that our advisor can trust us even though we are different from other students.

I Just Want the Students to Control Themselves

(The following paragraphs are comments from the class advisor of the students in the previous section.)

Having taught for many years, I am increasingly disappointed. Now, at the beginning of class, the students sometimes merely stand up and salute perfunctorily, or even remain sitting and say, "We don't do this anymore!" I feel that a teacher no longer has any dignity.

Beginning this semester, I have used a stick in class and found it effective. I am strict because I love them and expect a lot from them. I do not ask them to have good grades, but as students they should at least learn how to control themselves. No matter at what age and in what circumstances, they should try to learn and grow. They should not rebel just for the sake of rebellion.

Sometimes I also sense that the students care about me. But perhaps the tension that has built up over a long time restrains them from expressing it. Looking back, I think I need to work on teacher-student relationships to close the gap between my students and me.

I Chat With Them As If They Were My Friends

(The physics teacher is the students' favorite teacher.)

When I first learned that the class I was going to teach had been considered unanimously by all the teachers as the most troublesome class on campus, I got nervous. I collected information on the students' past behavior and the difficulties I might face when I actually taught them. With advice from many teachers, I approached the first day of class with trepidation.

At the beginning, the students either napped, remained silent, or walked around talking to others in the classroom, which was even worse than silence. I could hardly teach. Still, I insisted on not using a stick. I had a hard time getting the students to accept me.

One day, the students asked me to share my experiences of wooing women. My first reaction was that talking about personal matters in class was not what a responsible teacher would do. But the students were waiting expectantly for my answer. Suddenly, I was inspired by a thought. Why not put aside my role as a teacher for a moment, and chat with them as if they were my friends? I was surprised to find that the more I spoke, the more enthusiasm showed in the students' faces. Their eyes shone with curiosity about life and sympathy for their teacher. I knew intuitively that I had misunderstood them in the past.

Although their behavior is somewhat different from other students, it is still possible to communicate with them if you do it in the right way. There is a "big sister" in the class. Once I tried to ask her to concentrate and not to do other things in class. She immediately agreed. But her behavior didn't change in the next class. My heart sank. I went to her after class. "Didn't you promise me that you would concentrate in my class?" To my surprise, she slapped her forehead and apologized, "Sorry, I forgot. I'm awfully sorry. Next time I will surely concentrate." She kept her promise.

I think they have done a few things wrong, but they also want to change. Perhaps their teachers need to adopt different teaching methods according to the character of each student. Indeed, teachers are not saints. They also need encouragement and inspiration in their teaching career, so that they will not lose sight of their own ideals when facing a class of forty-some young people.

Comments by Dr. Tseng Han-rung

The students have behavior problems not because they are stupid or bad, but because we have not found a better way to help them.

In school, the major function of teachers (especially the advisors) is to provide the best learning and living environments for students. Each teacher wants to be seen as a good teacher by students, but things do not always turn out as one hopes. As the class mentor in the above-mentioned case said: "I love them and expect a lot from them As students they should at least learn how to control themselves." But the students said: "We also want to be looked upon as good students. We hope that our advisor can trust us. Actually we merely think differently from other students." To achieve mutual communication, there must be interaction between the teacher and the students, which was lacking in this case.

When facing difficult students, a teacher can have a softer heart and be more sensitive if he or she can think this way: "It is not because they are stupid or bad; it is because I have not found a better way to help them." The physics teacher in this case is a good example. He collected information on the students' behavior and possible difficulties he might face in advance, and, to his credit, insisted on not using a stick. He tried to sense how the students felt and talked to them as friends, and thus they finally found a place for mutual interaction. It is obvious that empathy and warmth are important for improving communication between teachers and students.

A mediocre teacher makes statements; a good teacher explains; a superb teacher sets examples; a great teacher inspires. It is necessary to love with wisdom to solve teacher-student conflicts, just as Master Cheng Yen said: "Treating your children with a bodhisattva's love but without a bodhisattva's wisdom is like a bird flying with only one wing: it is dangerous. A teacher's love must be accompanied with wisdom in dealing with students."

Physicians need to be grateful to patients, because they make them skillful and conscientious; parents need to be grateful to children, because they teach them how to be good parents; teachers need to be grateful to students, because they make them understand the importance of the teacher's role. Those who succeed in these roles have all taken great pains to learn from their situations.

I would like to see more wise teachers who not only refrain from labeling students, but who also treat every student with justice and fairness. Education is, after all, nothing other than giving love and setting good examples for students.

Parent-Child Communication

Mom and Dad, I've Grown Up--Don't Love Me Too Much, OK?

(The following was written by a student attending the Parent-Child Camp)

My home is quite close to the school that I go to, less than a three-minute walk. Because my parents are very authoritarian, I don't dare leave my mail at home. They often take walks on the campus of my school, and they use this opportunity to look into my desk drawer. They even read aloud some of the sentences in my letters to my face. I used to tell them about my friends, both male and female, but then they would start to investigate their family backgrounds: What's his father's job? How many siblings does she have? Later I would try to hide my friends from them. I didn't want my new friends to be frightened away.

My father's authoritarian style makes me hold things back from him. I'm aware that a gap has gradually developed between us. I hide things from them, and they pepper me with questions in order to find out how I am.

I know my parents love me, and I also want to tell them my thoughts. But I don't know how to do it. Perhaps all parents keep a close watch on their children. But I'm a big boy, nearly twenty years old. I'm not a rare animal that needs intensive protection. I want to ask whether love can be given to us without overwhelming us?

True Love Allows the Loving and the Loved to Breathe Freely.

(From a discussion of "Lectures for All People--Open Your Heart," hosted by Dr. Chen Ching-ding and Mr. Ku How in the senior high school Parent-Child Camp)

If we see things from the perspective of the parents, we may see that when they open their children's letters, although this invades their children's privacy, they are motivated by love and anxiety. They want to make sure that their children grow up safely.

Parents' inquiries into the family background of their children's friends also exhibits their concern for their children. As the Chinese saying goes, "Whatever comes near rouge is likely to be reddened; whatever comes near ink is likely to be blackened." A person easily comes under the influence of the people with whom he associates.

The sharing of thoughts and feelings in daily life is based on mutual trust and need. Parents and children can build up a relationship of mutual trust by looking at things from the other person's point of view, asking why the parent (or the child) does something in a certain way. If the parents and children can answer this question with empathy, the solution to any conflict may be readily available.

To close the gap between parents and children, both sides should speak, listen, and take action to solve problems when they arise. If both sides are unable to speak their minds and instead only make guesses at each other's feelings, problems will remain unsolved and misunderstandings will only increase.

Both sides should respect each other's individuality. Do not set up standards and ask the other person to meet them. Only love that allows each other to breathe freely can cultivate a solid parent-child relationship.

Son, It Takes Courage to Take off the Mask That a Father Wears

(The following was written by a father attending the Parent-Child Camp with his two sons.)

I have two sons. The younger son has been adorable since childhood, and the elder son has always been rebellious. I have "fixed" him several times. Once when the whole family went on vacation, my elder son did something wrong. I lost my temper and violently slapped his face on the spot.

I have a hot temper. When my son was in junior high school, I once chased my wife and sons out of our apartment. I watched them from the terrace on the fifth floor. They walked around outside the house helplessly. The streetlight cast long shadows on the ground. I really wanted to go downstairs and ask them to come back. But I didn't have the courage to tear off the mask I wore as a father.

My violent style influenced my elder son. One day he copied my impulsive manner and slapped his brother on the face, following my example in settling problems. Several years later, he got drunk one day and aired some complaints he had hidden deep in his heart. He accused me of beating him frequently because I was angry over something else.

In the camp, the professor asked us to hold our children's hands. When I held my younger son's hands, I was amazed. When did his hands grow so big? How long has it been since I held my children's hands?

I haven't had the chance to apologize to my two sensible, lovable sons. Before the end of this camp, I want to speak frankly the words deep in my heart: Sons, Papa wants to apologize to you both.

There Are No Perfect Parents or Perfect Children on Earth.

(From "Parent-Child Relationships," a lecture given by Dr. Hung You-yee during the senior high school Parent-Child Camp)

Every child is a good child. Parents need to help children find their own strengths as they grow up. Do not weigh them against others--this only serves to block the channel of communication. Once a mother scolded her child for poor grades, saying, "You made me lose face!" Suppose a child says to his father: "Tom's father makes $50,000 a month. Why do you only earn $30,000?" How would the father feel? This is why comparison is frequently cruel and unreasonable. Each person is an independent individual and has his or her own special strengths.

Being cool and calm is a key skill in handling parent-child conflicts. If we always lose our tempers or use punishment when we confront problems, the anger might be relieved temporarily, but the parent-child relationship will be overshadowed by a dangerous, destructive time bomb that could explode at any time.