Sister Li Su-chu, who often visits prisons and shares her own experiences with inmates, was accredited as a Tzu Chi commissioner early this year. She urged her husband to help her son to become an honorary board member. Her family's care and support have helped her to proceed more easily on the Path of the Bodhisattvas.

Why did all the misfortunes happen to my children?

I have three children. The oldest is a hyperactive retarded child, the second has muscles seriously shrunken due to scalding, and the third has a harelip.

Confronting these three handicapped children, I cursed myself. I asked why heaven should do this to me. If I hadn't come across "Still Thoughts," met some Tzu Chi members and changed my attitudes, I'm afraid that I would still be filled with regret.

No Joy in Being a Mother

My son was a premature child. His weight at birth was only a little more than 2,000 grams [4lb 6 oz]. One month later, some unknown 'pus' was found in the back of his brain. Day after day, I carried him in my arms and went everywhere to look for a doctor or for some divination that could cure him. I was very tired and scared. My joy in being a mother for the first time was destroyed.

It wasn't until he was four years old that the doctor found he was a hyperactive retarded child. At that time, I was pregnant again, this time with twins. Fearing that I might have another premature delivery, I paid special attention to nutrition. However, I gained weight very rapidly and damaged a nerve in my foot. During my pregnancy, I had to walk with crutches. I also had difficulty in breathing because of my oversized belly. In my eighth month of pregnancy, I was forced to have a cesarean operation.

At that time, I was expecting the arrival of two new lives with both joy and fear. I didn't have the courage to ask about the condition of the newborn babies until a week after they were born. My mother hesitated for a while, and then said, "Both girls are very lovely, but ... one of them has a little defect." Upon hearing this, my heart leaped into my throat. I rushed to the nursery. There I found the younger twin's palate was cleft from mouth to throat, her tongue was twisting about in her mouth and there was a tube up her nose. My heart was broken, I dropped and sat on the floor.

Three Handicapped Children

One retarded child could give me enough trouble. Now there were twins and one of them had a defective face. This made me even more exhausted.

The younger twin couldn't drink from a milk bottle. At feeding time, I had to use both my hands and feet. My right hand would hold a syringe to draw milk from a bowl and feed her drop by drop. Meanwhile, I would put the second twin on a chair and use one of my feet to support the milk bottle for her to suck. At the same time, I had to watch my moody, hyperactive son. It was a difficult process, but I had to do it.

Three months later, the harelipped twin had her first surgery. After the operation, she wouldn't drink milk. I had to puree thin rice porridge in a blender and then carefully feed her. Before her second operation, her resistance became very weak and she had two high fevers in three days. I believed it when somebody said that she had offended an evil ghost. I went to the temple for "divine charms" which were supposed to be boiled as a drink for her.

In order to make the "divine charm" drink, I boiled a pot of water and set the pot on the ground. The older twin happened to crawl over that way and accidentally knocked over the pot. She was scalded with third degree burns. I was completely shocked and didn't know how to handle the situation. The scalding caused severe shrinkage of her muscles. "The wound is on the child's body, but the pain is in the mother's heart." Although I regretted it sincerely, nothing could be done.

Unable to Face Jeers

Each time one of them had to go to the doctor, I had to take all three along with me. I would put the twins on my two shoulders and take the oldest by the hand. When we went out, the most embarrassing question I encountered was, "Are all three your children?" I really didn't have the courage to admit that they were, and I had to choke back my tears. At times, people saw the twins were very lovely, but when they drew nearer and found that one had been scalded and the other had a harelip, they would scream, "How dreadful!"

In the face of people's jeers, there was nothing I could say. I couldn't do anything but complain to heaven. The younger twin would often complain, "Why did you give me such a crooked mouth?" I didn't know how to answer. I only looked at her in tears.

What worried me most was my son. He couldn't keep still for even a few minutes. He broke everything at home. If he didn't cut the electrical wires, he would spray insecticide in the rice cooker. I could only talk about it with my husband. Once, my husband yelled impatiently, "Take him to the mountains!" The boy, without budging an inch, yelled back, "Idiot!"

Once, he even put a knife on the neck of my second child, who then roared, "Mother, why did you give birth to a retarded child? Couldn't you give me a smarter brother?"

When my son would sneak away all of a sudden and I was sick with worry about him, my daughters would console me. "Mother, don't worry, somebody will bring him back. Nobody would want him." I was very upset at these remarks.

I Want to Die With My Son

At school, my son was often squeezed out of games by the others. His teacher told me that when people heard their children would be placed in the same class with him, they would ask for a transfer. I didn't blame them because all parents care about their own children. Still, as silly as he was, my son was often picked on. One time, somebody pulled up his shirt and drew something on his body. I felt really sorry for him.

In my innermost heart, he was only a poor child. It was just that whenever he got excited, he would act up and make people angry.

At home, he was always noisy. He would get up at three or four o'clock in the morning and scratch my feet or hammer nails or scream and shout. Unable to endure all this nonsense, neighbors would jeer, "He's like a rooster." I couldn't say anything. In order to avoid disturbing the neighbors, I had to take him out early in the morning to play ball or go running. I hoped to use up his energy and help him concentrate.

Once, he hit me with a chair. My mother-in-law scolded him just a little while dressing my wound. He beat her hard with his fist. At that, I flew off the handle. I rushed to the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of caustic bathroom cleaner, intending to die with him. Fortunately, my mother-in-law stopped me.

After long years of mental stress and not enough rest after giving birth, I finally collapsed. My son was scared when the ambulance arrived. The two girls anxiously pleaded, "Mother, don't die. If you die, what will happen to our brother?" It seemed like there was a hidden force reminding me that I had to live on.

Not All Balls Are Good Balls

In my despair, I came across an aphorism in "Still Thoughts": "In human life, not all balls are good balls; only the seasoned slugger can make a hit every time." Deeply touched, I resolved to see Master Cheng Yen in Hualien.

The first time I went to a commissioners meeting at the Still Thoughts Hall, I didn't get to see Master Cheng Yen. I had to go back home early because my hyperactive son was disturbing other people at the meeting. The second time I went to Hualien, I didn't have the opportunity to listen to the Master's preaching because my son ran around everywhere.

I finally had the good karma to see the Master on my third visit to Hualien. I saw that the Master, even with her weak build, carried on the Buddhist mission for all human beings. I felt ashamed because I couldn't take care of only three children. I vowed to change all this someday.

Luckily, I came across Brother Chen Ming-chi, who saw at the first sight that my son's trouble was due to lack of love. I told myself that I loved my son very much. When he saw a fire engine and wanted to sit on it, I would ask the firemen to make him happy. When he saw a backhoe and wanted to sit on the operator's seat, I would beg the operator to let him have his wish. Didn't I already love him enough? "You shouldn't look at him from your own viewpoint," Brother Chen said. "He has to be active because he can't help it."

After returning home, I read "Still Thoughts." "If you cannot change others, change yourself." "Work willingly and reap the results happily." "You must cultivate the field of blessings yourself; you cannot ask others to do it for you." Every line moistened my heart like sweet dew.

A Change of Heart Enlightens Me

"What's the problem? What are you complaining about? It's all in the mind."

I recalled my son's abnormal behavior in the past. When Master Cheng Yen lit the "lamp of the heart" for me, my son put the lamp on my head. If he couldn't get a toy he wanted to buy, he would bite my hands. When we were out on my motorcycle and stopped at a red light, he would hit my head impatiently. All these things made me feel embarrassed.

Now I realized that it was really all in my mind. Master Cheng Yen taught us the "Three No's in the Universe" ["There is no one in the universe that I would not love, trust or forgive"]. I could forgive all the people in the universe. Couldn't I tolerate my own child?

After my change of heart, I suddenly became enlightened. I began to change my life. In the past, I would yell at my son when he damaged something. Now I would remind myself that the Master said it wasn't enough to swallow anger, but that one had to digest it too. Meanwhile, a person should have a heart of compassion. Therefore, when he made mistakes again, I tried my best to smile at him and teach him to talk nicely. Incredibly, when my husband returned home from work, my son said, "Daddy, you must be tired!" My Husband felt very happy.

I tried to subconsciously instill good concepts into his mind, but I didn't expect him to make such fast progress. In the past, he hadn't understood anything. Now he could answer five or six out of ten questions. He seemed to become smarter and smarter. On Fridays, he would remind me, "Mother, you will go to the prison tomorrow to show concern for the inmates, right?"

Before, when I helped him with his homework, he could never sit still. He would run off after writing a single word. We lived near the railway. Whenever a train passed by, he would squirm restlessly. It would often take several hours for him to write one single line. Having wasted so much time, I would become enraged.

Now I tried to change my attitude. Whenever he was willing to take up his pen, I'd feel satisfied. Sometimes, I'd scrawl something on a sheet of paper and say, "Look, even mother can't write." When he looked at the scribbling, he'd say: "How ugly!" Then he would enthusiastically show me how to write it properly. I would take the opportunity to encourage him. "You have beautiful handwriting. If you can change it just a little bit, it'll be even better." With my praise, he gradually became more interested in handwriting.

The Children Came to Repay Gratitude

After a number of operations, the twin girls gradually returned to normal. My second child was impulsive. She would often complain that her brother picked on her. Once she kept coughing and coughing. I purposely told her to stop it. She said helplessly, "I can't control myself." I said, "Well, your brother can't control himself either, and that's why he hits you."

Whenever my youngest child saw a camera, she would run away and hide. After I talked to her very patiently, she got over her shyness. When the doctor asked her if she wanted to be a little prettier, she replied without any hesitation, "Master Cheng Yen said that one's outer appearance was not so important and that a perfect soul would last forever." Even the doctor was surprised that her mind was so sound.

When children change, it has an immense impact upon their parents. Therefore, when I proposed to help my son become a Tzu Chi honorary board member [by donating US$40,000], my husband agreed and said thoughtfully, "I'll make money and you do your Tzu Chi work." In order to fulfill our wish at an early date, my husband led a thrifty life. He would even repair his own shoes himself. My gratitude to him was indescribable.

I used to believe the three children were born to "collect debts." But now I think that they were born to "repay gratitude." When I took the three children to sell Tzu Chi Hoppian frog cards on the street [see story in the spring edition of the Quarterly], the three little bodhisattvas would innocently say to bypassers, "Uncle, Auntie, Master Cheng Yen in Hualien wants to build a children's development and rehabilitation center, so would you show your compassion and buy a set of frog cards?" If somebody brought the cards, They's day, "Thank you for your boundless metits." In case people thought the cards were too expensive, they'd explain, "They're priceless because love is added to the cards. "Many people, moved by their sincerity, decided to buy frog cards.