Yu-mu had been hiding all his life. When he was young, he went to a reformatory to avoid being killed by his enemies. In middle age, he was out of the reformatory, but he was addicted to drugs and gambling. In old age, he quit drugs, but he was caught by liver cancer. At last, he repented. He advised prisoners to reform themselves. He donated his body for medical research. Before he left the world, he heard his son's forgiving cry. Spiritually, he saved his son and he saved himself.

Yu-mu was wild in his hot youth, always fighting fearlessly. At 50, he was sent to Tzu Chi Hospital for liver cancer. Volunteers came to visit him and sing Tzu Chi songs for him. He was afraid to hear one particular song, "I Only Want to Hold Your Hand."

He begged them to stop singing, and he wiped his tears continually with tissue paper. The volunteers stopped. Then they sang another song, "My Gratitude," which calmed him down.

"My Gratitude" describes how my parents, heaven, earth and everything are worth my gratitude because my peace and my happiness are all given by them.

The lyrics of "I Only Want to Hold Your Hand" go like this:

I've drifted along all my life.
I've tasted all kinds of bitterness.
I've lost too much.
What did I do wrong?
Where is my regret?
All these are but illusions.
Leave the anxiety,
Understand and hold to each other, Don't forget me!
I'll follow you all my life, without regret, without worry.
I only want to hold your hand.
Whether happiness or sorrow, I have already had too much.
I'll remember my hearty gratitude with one single reminder because it is right in my heart.
Tzu Chi people! Mutual support is better than owning oneself.
Tzu Chi people! Too much feeling! I only want to hold your hand.

With tears on his face Yu-mu, explained why he didn't want to hear that song. "This song reminds me of all the things I've been through. I really don't want to be reminded of my past. It's best to let it flow away like water because it makes me feel very sad.

Choosing Tzu Chi

Because of the sincere care of the volunteers at Tzu Chi Hospital, Yu-mu opened his heart to them. At fifteen, he became a bad boy. He spent one third of his life drifting along. The word "drifting" reminded him of the feeling of being abandoned by others and by himself, and the feeling of being unsettled. When his life was coming to an end and he was facing the irredeemable loss caused by a false step taken in a moment of weakness in his youth, he felt indescribably sad.

He left home as a boy and mixed with hoodlums. At 21, he was addicted to drugs. In 1994, he accepted his sister's advice and went to a temple in Taitung to quit drugs. With much effort, he succeeded in August that year in kicking the drug addiction that had followed him for 26 years. However, not long after, a physical exam at Mackay Memorial Hospital in Taitung revealed that he had been afflicted with liver cancer. The doctor told him that he had only two months to live. He was transferred to Mackay Hospital in Taipei. At his own request, he was later sent to Tzu Chi Hospital.

It was not because Tzu Chi Hospital was closer to his own home. Yu-mu emphasized that he had chosen Tzu Chi because it was a Buddhist hospital. His mother had been a Buddhist for 41 years, and both his sisters were Buddhists too. Besides, his friend Ah-lung was also in the hospital for treatment.

Ah-lung told Yu-mu, "All the doctors, nurses and volunteers at Tzu Chi Hospital are nice people. They are very kind to the patients and they treat the patients like their own family members." Yu-mu found that Ah-lung had changed a lot since he had come to Tzu Chi Hospital. In the past, Ah-lung had been very impulsive. He tended to use violence over trivial things. But now Ah-lung was no longer the same person that Yu-mu had known before. Impressed with the change in his friend, Yu-mu checked into Tzu Chi Hospital.

Doing All Kinds of Evil

During the time he stayed in Tzu Chi Hospital, Yu-mu deeply regretted that he had never done anything good all his life. He had been a bodyguard to someone or had run a gambling den.

He left home at 15 and joined a gang in Kaohsiung. When the other gangsters were fighting, he would follow them and pick up things that they dropped. When he grew older, it was his turn to do the fighting with either a knife or a stick. He asked one of the Tzu Chi volunteers to pull down the collar of his shirt to show a scar on his right shoulder. He also pointed to his right eyelid, on which there was another scar. He said that each time he was wounded, his heart was pierced too. He swore that the next time he would be crueler than his rivals. He became more daring in killing. The underworld trapped him deeper and deeper. At 17 he already had a tattoo. The dragon on his chest was a sign of his bravery.

Yu-mu had been in and out of the reformatory 11 times, and he had a record for frequently running away. He was a squad leader. He not only ran away himself, but he also took his squad members away with him. However, he was caught and taken back.

He made a request to his counselor to send him to Ryukyu the Taiwanese "Devil's Island." He didn't want to stay in the reformatory. The counselor said he could run away as he pleased, but he would never send him to Ryukyu.

"I'm not afraid of being beaten or yelled at or even put in jail," said Yu-mu, losing all hope and confidence in himself.

"Right!" retorted the counselor. "Since you're not afraid of anything, I can't do anything with you. If you stay here, whether you go to class or not is up to you."

After that, Yu-mu went to class because he could hear from the counselor's tone of voice that he really did care for him. A few days later, the supervisor asked Yu-mu to go with him to shop for food.

"He woke me up early in the morning," Yu-mu remembered." Just think, he gave me quite a lot of money to buy food for 300-odd people. He actually trusted me! After shopping, I hired a pedicart to take the food back."

Because of the trust and respect from the counselor, Yu-mu finally "graduated" from the reformatory. He got married, and then he went into the army for two years and served on an off-shore island. He really wanted to turn over a new leaf and lead a new life. Unfortunately, he was trapped by gambling and could never free himself from it.

Before he joined the army, the brothers of his gang had given him a sum of money. He left a part of it to his wife. The rest he lost on gambling. He wrote a letter to his wife asking her to send him some money. She asked a friend to buy a money order. However, Yu-mu never received the money. Later on, he found out that his wife, being illiterate, had thought that the money order was a receipt and had left it in a drawer. He had suspected that his wife was unfaithful to him.

His gambling and drug addiction had a tremendous influence on his family. He continued to live a gangster's life. Unable to endure his evil ways, his wife divorced him and married somebody else. His son was in the third grade. Without telling his father, he left home one day to look for his mother. He was taken to an orphanage by the police to spend his youth there. Yu-mu's daughter went with her mother. Afterwards, she picked up the same bad habits as her brother.

Victim of Family Violence

A Tzu Chi volunteer teacher happened to ask Yu-mu's opinion about teaching students. That question led him to tell his own boyhood experiences, which were really pitiful. His experience was a typical example of a family problem extended to a social problem.

Yu-mu had seven brothers and sisters. To make ends meet, his parents had to work hard, so they simply had no time to teach their children. Therefore, Yu-mu made bad friends and learned their bad ways. Yu-mu's mother often used violence. Yu-mu was only a boy. Whenever he did something wrong, his mother would strip off his clothes, pull him into the bathroom, tie him up and beat him with a bamboo broom until his body bled. After beating him, she left him alone in the bathroom. There were a lot of mosquitoes in the bathroom. They all flew over to suck his blood. As Yu-mu remembered that time, his heart rebelled. He thought it must have been because his parents didn't love him that they treated him so cruelly. Every time he was beaten, he gritted his teeth. He never cried. He only had hatred in his heart. "All right," he thought, "beat me as much as you want to. Whenever I get a chance, I'll run away from home."

Feeling no warmth at home, Yu-mu drifted away at the age of 15. His mother didn't care at all about his frequent stays in the reformatory and the jail. Her attitude seemed to be that whether he existed or not had nothing to do with her. Yu-mu was deeply hurt by her indifference.

"You must talk to your students with love," he said seriously. "Never use sarcasm. If a teacher thinks a student is unteachable and wants to give up on him, the student will give up on himself. So never be indifferent. Be enthusiastic with your students."

Many people do not think they deserve the misfortune that has happened to them. They become helpless and resentful. So they blame somebody else. Yu-mu and his son were this kind of people. They didn't get love and respect at home. They couldn't learn to love themselves or others.

"Son, Daddy Was Wrong."

While in the hospital, Yu-mu told Yen Hui-mei, a senior volunteer, that he hoped to see his son, Hsiao-hsu, before leaving the world. However, the father had always been a drifter. Neither of them knew the whereabouts of the other. Where could Yu-mu look for his son? In the past, when Hsiao-hsu wanted to look for his father, he only had to go to the prison. Now when the father wanted to look for his son, prison was the first place to look. Hsiao-hsu had been sentenced to prison for attempted murder. Yu-mu told Hui-mei that his son might be serving his sentence at Ilan Prison.

Hui-mei, who never wasted time in doing anything, sought the help of other Tzu Chi members, and she finally found out the whereabouts of Yu-mu's son. On August 10, 1995, Yu-mu, with a self-controlled painkiller device, went with Hui-mei and some other volunteers to Ilan Prison to see his son.

"It's nice of you to come and see me," said Hsiao-hsu coldly.

Yu-mu begged forgiveness of his son. "I'm going to leave the world soon. I've been looking for you for a long time. In order to let me leave the world peacefully, these Tzu Chi people with their loving hearts arranged this meeting for us. I must tell you, I was wrong. I've never taken good care of you. After I leave, your uncle will look after you. I hope you will be a good man. Don't follow in my footsteps."

"I've lived 24 years. The total time that you've spent with me has been no more than 36 hours. How could I recognize such a father!" In his son's eyes, Yu-mu had lost his respect as a father.

The father admitted his fault again and again. "All my life, I've gone in the wrong direction. I've spent almost 30 years in and out of prison. I couldn't take you with me. How are you now?"

Through the persuasion of the Tzu Chi volunteers, Hsiaohsu's attitude finally softened. Hsiao-hsu held his father's hand. They hugged each other, the old man weeping silently. Hsiao-hsu said, "Last year when you had an operation at Mackay Hospital, I was on the lam. It wasn't that I didn't want to see you."

"Let bygones be bygones. Take good care of yourself. When I feel better, I'll come to see you again."

After meeting with his father, Hsiao-hsu dashed to the toilet and cried bitterly. Yu-mu heard his crying and felt at ease. He said, "Finally, I can put down the burden in my heart. I can be at peace now. My son can cry. It means there is still hope for him."

That day, Yu-mu made a speech to the prisoners. He said, "Everybody needs a family's love. We can be parents and we can be children. No matter what you did before, you can change now. For me, it's a bit too late. All my life, I've never felt useful until this moment. I've recovered my dignity. I'll have no regrets when I die." By that time, Yu-mu had already agreed to donate his body after his death. Since he had been forgiven by his son, he felt quite at peace.

He also told the prisoners that the best way to kick drug addiction was to stay in a temple, far away from their former friends and temptations. "A temple is quiet and clean. Without any drug sources, it is easier to quit." He added that they must make good friends. He affirmed that his belief in Buddhism gave him something to rely on.

Reverence for Life

Yu-mu blamed himself for not having fulfilled his duties as a father so that the relationship with his son had developed to such a devastating situation. However, he visited his son in the prison with repentance. The short meeting freed him from worry and anxiety. In the prison, he admitted his fault without reservation, with the hope that his story could be a lesson to the prisoners. Perhaps because he was never with his own children as they grew up, he told the students of the Tzu Chi Junior College of Nursing and the Tzu Chi College of Medicine the things he would like to have told his own children.

It was a little cool on November 1, 1995. Students of the Nursing College visited Yu-mu in the afternoon. Seeing those girls, he gave them some fatherly advice. "A girl must be very careful in choosing a husband. Never marry someone like me. Don't let love blind your eyes. If a young man did something wrong in his past, he will cover it up. He will only show you his best side." He told the students that if their friends were dazed by love, they must remind them of the same thing. When choosing a husband, they must know very clearly his personality and his family situation.

The next day, the students from the Medical College went to see him. He endured the discomfort after receiving chemotherapy and insisted on sitting up to talk to them. "All the doctors and nurses here are outstanding. I'm sure you will be outstanding doctors in the future too. I have donated my body for research. My problem is in the liver. You have to find out the cause of liver cancer."

Happiness From Unselfish Giving

On August 7, 1995, witnessed by his brother, Yu-mu signed an agreement to donate his body to the Tzu Chi College of Medicine. In the underworld, he had only known how to make money. He didn't know Tzu Chi had a hospital and a Medical College until he came here. He had nothing he could use to repay society. His last wish was to donate his body to the students of the Medical College for research.

"I am now going back. When I return, I will be a doctor." He made a great vow in front of the students that he would return to the human world again with a new body. By donating his body, he would enable the students to become good doctors. As a matter of fact, he was a doctor then. We could even say he was the teacher of conscientious doctors.

Yu-mu said with a smile that he was not afraid to die. Therefore, he was the most cooperative patient. Since he had decided to donate his body, he didn't have to stay in bed all day imagining things.

No Longer Lonely

During the five months that Yu-mu stayed in Tzu Chi Hospital, the doctors, nurses and volunteers took good care of him. They frequently served him fruit juice and salty rice porridge, which he liked very much. They bathed him, manicured him and walked in the sunshine with him. In particular, they persuaded him to donate his body and arranged for him to visit his son to resolve their old grudge before his death.

For everything that the Tzu Chi people had done for him, he said, "I cannot use words to describe the warmth that Tzu Chi people have given to me. Their bodhisattva hearts are really touching. I've never seen religious strength that can move people to become so kind to others. If I don't speak out today, I'm afraid there won't be another chance."

On December 17, 1995, Yen Hui-mei went to see Yu-mu. He drank a cup of milk and was ready to take a rest. At a little after 4:00 p.m., he passed away. Volunteers went to the chapel in the basement to chant "Amitabha" for him.

On January 12, 1996, Tzu Chi people, in compliance with his will, went to Ilan Prison to turn his belongings over to his son. The director of the orphanage where Hsiao-hsu had stayed before also went with them.

Hsiao-hsu received a paper bag which contained three receipts from Tzu Chi for donated money, a wrist watch, an alarm clock, a bottle of medical cream, a letter that Hsiao-hsu had written to his father, and the death certificate issued by Tzu Chi Hospital. Hsiao-hsu gave the whole bag to the orphanage director for safekeeping.

"How has my father been disposed of?" asked Hsiao-hsu. "After I am released, where should I go to venerate him? Can I get his ashes back home?" Hsiao-hsu really hoped his father had passed away peacefully. Although the father and son had not forgotten what had happened to them, they had forgiven each other.

Yu-mu's words and behavior before his death showed his wisdom after enlightenment. The experience of life he had learned at such a high price was truly precious. Later, when the students of the College of Medicine face the body with the tattooed dragon, they should have no doubt that this man is worth respect.

Epilogue

When Tzu Chi volunteers gave Yu-mu's personal effects to Hsiao-hsu, he was quite emotional. At last, Yu-mu's wish was fulfilled.

When Dr. Lin Hsien-hung diagnosed Yu-mu's illness as the last stage of liver cancer, he only gave the patient passive treatment. What Yu-mu needed was spiritual support. Later on, he was handed over to the Social Service Office. The Care Team for Terminally Ill Patients immediately had a meeting to discuss how to handle the case. The patient came from the underworld and had a fighting character. Unless they could give him special care based on his personality, they might make him suffer more and cause great regret.

Fortunately, because of the carefulness and thoughtfulness of the team members and the volunteers, Yu-mu's self-defense collapsed and the frost in his heart melted. Through Tzu Chi people's help, he met his son before his death. The scene was very touching and he was very grateful.

After that he understood the true meaning of life. He made vows that he would come back with a healthy body and a loving heart. He gave advice to prisoners and told them not to follow in his footsteps. He donated his body to the Medical College for the students to use for research.

All this should be attributed to the members of the Care Team. They not only saved his heart, but also his soul.