Obstacles can inspire one's will to live, like the African Violet which suddenly blooms when its life is threatened.

Walking slowly through the wards in a patient's uniform, Chang Ching-fang, 45, does not look like a patient at all because of her happy, smiling face.

She hides the pain from the cancer in her left chest, which causes her to slouch a bit when she walks. Her daughter told me that during the past four years, she never knew her mother had cancer because her mother hid her pain so well.

Chang often walks around in various wards to encourage other cancer patients. Her strong zeal often affects other patients in ward 7A at Dalin Tzu Chi Hospital. With her beautiful voice, she can sing songs in Mandarin, Japanese, and Taiwanese, which makes other cancer patients happy.

Sunshine through an open window

Early in the morning Chang had a visitor, Miss Hsu, who also once lived in ward 7A. She had returned to the hospital to get a check-up and to see Chang.

The two bald-headed women sat in the ward. Chang, in a pink-and-white striped patient’s uniform, sat cross-legged on her bed. Wearing a dark green blouse and black pants, Hsu sat in a chair next to the bed. They ate snacks and chatted away.

Chang happily told Hsu that her white blood cell count had reached 7,000.

"Wow! How did that happen?" exclaimed Hsu. She is a schoolteacher and likes to praise well-behaved "children."

"Well, I just eat everything. You hold the bag now." Chang handed the bag of snacks to Hsu. Chang patted her cheeks and added, "People keep saying that I look pretty good. I think I can leave in a few days."

Shortly afterwards, a man carrying a backpack came in. When they saw each other, the three of them burst out laughing.

"You're here! You look very well," Chang said, inviting the man to sit down.

"Thanks for the compliment!" said Mr. Chen. Chen and Chang are both Buddhists. He had also been hospitalized previously, and both he and Chang loved to discuss Buddhist questions, such as the location of Amitabha's Pure Land.

Chang told them that she and some others had gone for a stroll in a night market the night before. She had done some exercises while walking, so she felt quite spirited today. She added, "Now I like to eat. I feel that I didn't eat enough breakfast, so now I want to have snacks."

Chen told her to take care of her body and to relax her mind so she could feel better and leave earlier. He said that he often went hiking in the morning, and he would think of Chang and Hsu and others that he had hiked with before. He felt that the mountain air was very fresh. He suddenly recalled something and asked Chang, "Where is that young woman who was next to you in the ward?"

Chang replied that the woman's white blood cell count had dropped so low that she had to be secluded. She told Hsu and Chen that the three of them should put on gauze masks when they visited the woman patient later. She also reminded them that she and the other patients would be moving to ward 10B in a few days, so they had to remember or they might end up visiting the wrong room next time.

The sun made the whole room nice and bright. Friends came to see her and laughter filled the room. Meanwhile, the little African Violet with its purple flowers stood quietly alone by the window.

Heavy responsibility

Four years ago, Chang discovered a tumor the size of a chicken egg in her left chest. The doctor diagnosed it as a malignant tumor. She didn't believe this, and she refused treatment.

Chang's second son was still in elementary school. Every day she needed to bring him to and from school. If she had gone for surgery, her family's daily routine would have become chaotic. Four of her relatives had died from cancer, so she was afraid of getting treatment.

She later chose traditional Chinese herbs, but they were useless. She became a Buddhist when she was 36 years old. Now she hoped that the power of religion could help her coexist peacefully with the cancer cells.

Not wanting her children to know that she was sick, Chang still did her house chores and worked as a babysitter. Her best record was looking after four babies at once. She took good care of her children and other people's children and was never bothered by her illness.

Her daughter said that her mother often worked late into the night; sometimes she would still be up washing clothes at midnight. When Chang's health started declining two years ago, she would often fall asleep on a chair before 8 p.m., when her daughter came home from evening school.

Chang tried to boost her spirits by looking after her family and working. She often went to visit her parents and in-laws. During the first two years of her illness, she didn't want her parents to know. When the tumor grew bigger, Chang sometimes had to wrap her arms around her chest when she walked.

Whenever she went to visit her parents, she always wrapped her arms around her chest. To avoid making them suspicious, she explained, "I can walk very proudly this way."

Her concern for her parents and children motivated her to stay alive. On March 15, 2002, while Chang was cleaning her wound, she discovered a lump of flesh appearing below her left breast. It was already festering; she accidentally rubbed it and it bled. She went to Dalin Tzu Chi Hospital the following day.

Her daughter said that when she saw the wound, she couldn't believe that a lump had grown on her mother. She felt that even an ugly person shouldn't have a such wound. She didn't understand how her mother could tolerate the pain.

Chang was hospitalized in March and was later discharged. But on March 29 at 3 a.m., the tumor burst.

Chang recalled the event: "I felt my body was warm. Everything before me suddenly became so black that I couldn't see anything." She said that her brother and his wife were so frightened by the sight of blood all over the bathroom that they rushed her to the hospital at once. During that time she never thought about death.

She was hospitalized again and began chemotherapy.

No painkillers

After Chang was hospitalized, she didn't even have the strength to stand up. She once forced herself up, but couldn't take a step forward. The nurses were quite concerned about her safety, so they ordered her to press the button to call a nurse whenever she wanted to go to the washroom.

After lying in bed for some time, Chang felt that her muscles were beginning to atrophy. She set herself some exercise goals, and after some time she could finally walk freely in the corridors.

On August 29, she had to undergo a major test. On that day, she suddenly felt herself unable to breathe and she got goose bumps all over her body. The nurse gave her an oxygen mask and a solar lamp to keep her warm and breathing. She said the pain of being unable to breathe made her realize that she was actually facing death. Later, she thought that if that was the way death came, it wouldn't be so bad.

Chang added that the cancer once caused her extreme pain at night. Her daughter would look after her every day and throughout the night. Chang didn't know if she would just die from so much pain, so in order to prepare she instructed her daughter how to arrange all her affairs.

In reality, the pain is more horrible than death to many cancer patients. Until now, Chang has never taken any painkillers. She likes to manage her affairs without help from other people. Since painkillers would numb her to the pain, she wouldn't know the true condition of her illness. Furthermore, painkillers would also reduce her strength to fight against the disease.

She felt the most pain from 7 to 9 every night. After some time, she found a comfortable posture while lying in bed. She would raise her left arm high so the lymph node under her arm wouldn't feel any pressure. Her head would be tilted to the right, leaving enough room for the tumor on her left side, while her right hand pressed lightly on her abdomen. She would remain in this posture until the piercing pain left temporarily.

Regardless of how she looked or what she felt, Chang was at ease with the changes brought about by the illness. To many women, losing one's hair can be an unbearable ordeal. When Chang lost most of her hair after starting chemotherapy, she decided to shave off all of it. She felt quite comfortable afterwards because she didn't need to worry about losing any more hair!

One day her son said to her, "Mom, the hair that has started growing on your head looks like doggie hair." She burst out laughing.

Chang's optimism and confidence help her and also bring confidence to other cancer patients in the same ward.

A change of mindset

Lin Ya-chen, the chief nurse of ward 7A, said that whenever new patients come to the ward or old patients become angry or depressed, she asks Chang to talk to them. Patients tend to think that nurses don't understand how patients feel because they aren't sick themselves.

One time, after Chang had just undergone chemotherapy, she heard Lin say that one patient was depressed, so she volunteered to go cheer him up.

One male patient was always constantly pressing the ringer whenever he was in pain. If the nurse didn't show up at once, he would beat his bed and yell, "Are all the nurses dead?"

"You can't stand it? Then get lost!" This male patient would yell at the frightened nurse, who would then apologize to him. When the nurse left, he would still throw curses after her to release his anger.

Chang said to him, "If these nurses were our sisters and someone treated them with such disrespect, how would you feel? We should put ourselves in their shoes."

After that, the man didn't flare up as often. Since he liked to play guitar, he often teamed up with Chang, who liked to sing. Together, they brought happiness to the ward with their performances.

One hospitalized old woman was depressed and didn't talk much. She also reacted coldly to her daughter-in-law who came to look after her. She once heard Chang and the man singing in the ward and said, "How come only you two are singing? I can sing too!"

Another patient with breast cancer complained that the disease made it difficult for her to bathe. Chang then told her, "You should know that other people have to bathe their entire bodies, but we only need to clean half of our bodies! Isn't that great?"

The woman then asked her, "How come you always talk differently from other people?"

Chang replied, "When your mindset changes, everything else changes as well."

When Hsu was hospitalized, she felt that she had problems breathing. She was nervous and came to Chang, who always looked so calm, for help.

Hsu asked her, "How fast does your heart beat? How come you never gasp for breath?" When Hsu learned that Chang's pulse usually went over 100 beats per minute, she realized the truth of the saying that "When you regulate your mind, you regulate your body." In contrast, Hsu had scared herself into thinking that she had problems breathing.

Later Hsu heard that after Chang was discharged from the hospital the second time, her husband wanted to divorce her. She said to Chang, "If I were you, I would have killed myself. How can you stay so calm?" In comparison, Hsu had a loving husband who arranged for her to stay in a private hospital room and also hired a maid to look after her. Hsu's husband was willing to spend money on her, so Hsu felt that she had it the easiest with her illness and that she was the most fortunate patient.

Chief Nurse Lin said that Chang is the psychological counselor of ward 7A. She doesn't need to tell anyone what to do with their problems; her personal example can point anyone in the right direction. Not only do the patients come to her with their problems, but when Lin herself has problems, she gives Chang flowers she planted and chats with her. Lin doesn't need to talk about her problems, but she feels better after chatting with Chang.

Lin said, "My problems mean nothing compared to hers!"

Gratitude to the hospital staff

Hospital patients often praise Chang for bringing them happiness and confidence. And Chang never shies away from appreciating other people's assistance to her.

In September 2002, Master Cheng Yen visited Dalin Tzu Chi Hospital. Chang used the opportunity at a morning meeting to thank the hospital staff.

She said that when she came to the hospital on March 18, surgeon Wei Chang-kuo did a biopsy and created some artificial blood vessels. Chang felt that the hospital was like a big family and the patients were like neighbors. When Dr. Wei was operating on her, she felt that the time passed by so quickly that the surgery was finished before Dr. Wei could finish telling her a joke. Dr. Wei even said that the surgery was perfect, which eased her concern.

On March 29, 2002, the tumor burst and Chang was hospitalized. Dr. Li Wen-hsing of oncology and radiation was her attending doctor. Dr. Li was like a family member to her and came to visit her twice every day to cheer her up. He had a great sense of humor. When he heard that Chang had had a fever the night before, he said to her, "I heard that you were really passionate yesterday!" Chang really admired Dr. Li for showing concern for patients' minds in addition to treating their illnesses.

Chang went to the Department of Thoracic Medicine because she felt some discomfort in her chest. Because Dr. Li was traveling overseas, Dr. Wang Chin-to told her that he would take care of her until Dr. Li came back, and then he would hand her back to him. When Dr. Li was about to come back, Dr. Wang told her, "Now your lifesaver is coming back from the U.S. to save you!"

While Dr. Li was overseas, Chang also requested help from the Department of Chinese Medicine. Dr. Chang of that department told her that she needed to put on socks after using herbs to warm her feet, but she didn't have any with her at the time. She had planned to ask her family to bring her a pair, but the doctor brought her two pairs of socks the next day.

Another time Chang had a fever, and Dr. Yeh of the Department of Chinese Medicine prescribed some medicine for her. He told the nurse to inform him if her condition suddenly became worse. Chang said that her condition later improved, but Dr. Yeh still came to see her at 10 that night. Chang remembered clearly the care provided by the hospital staff.

Never ask "why," but "how"

Chang's imperfect marriage was the biggest setback in her life, but she still thanked her ex-husband for a perfect ending.

When she was discharged in May 2002, her husband asked her the following day for a divorce. Chang said calmly, "Okay, if this is what you want, let's do it."

Chang's husband was irresponsible towards the family, and he was her biggest burden. "I never expected that he would ask for a divorce. But I felt that I could finally be released from bondage after 18 years, 5 months, and 11 days of marriage."

Chang felt relaxed after the divorce. Although the marriage was terminated, she felt that the blood relationship between father and children would always be there. Therefore, she told her children to get rid of any prejudice against their father. They still had to treat him like their father and be respectful to him and his parents, since this was the foundation for being a good human being.

Why doesn't Chang hate her ex-husband? Her daughter commented that perhaps her mother's feelings of disappointment and anger were all in the past. Besides, she was quite sensitive to other people’s emotions and understood why people acted in certain ways. She never asked "why" as other people often did.

Because of the cancer, Chang realized that when one is sick, one has to go see the doctor and get treatment as early as possible. She also concluded that a connection exists between illness and one's emotional state. The three times that she was angry, her tumor immediately enlarged and hardened. Before this, she had never realized this connection.

A peaceful mind is good for one's health. So while Chang was hospitalized, she often recited the Buddha's name to bring peace to her mind. She said with a smile, "I'm not a retired old lady, but because of the cancer I have so much free time to recite Buddha's name here!"

Chang has given herself unlimited freedom through this change in her mindset.

Extra free days

Chief Nurse Lin plants all kinds of flowers in small pots on the roof of her dormitory and brings them to ward 7A. She constantly brings in new pots of flowers to bring life to the ward.

Today, Chang and Lin were admiring the blooming African Violet by the window.

Lin observed that the African Violet has a very strong will to live. There was a way to produce many flowers: when a new bud appeared, Lin would remove it. After three times, the plant would notice its unfriendly environment and would then produce many flowers at once.

"Is that so?" Chang had never heard this before.

Obstacles can inspire one's will to live, like the African Violet which suddenly blooms when its life is threatened. Chang is like this African Violet. She is threatened by cancer, but she radiates the brilliant glory of life.

Chang happily said that after she became sick, she understood better that she had to do more good deeds so that her life could be more meaningful. She doesn't need to wait for the next life to do good deeds. Doing good deeds also brings her happiness, so it is like living in the Pure Land at the moment.

At the beginning of 2002, the doctor told her that she only had six months to live, but she has lived beyond that deadline. All these extra days since then have been bonuses to her.

Chang is very happy with her current life, and she will try to live longer. She feels blessed to see her children growing up, but she won't bargain with life anymore.